Because Mother Nature made bottles for a reason.
Thank you, Delta Airlines. Thank you for finally taking a stand against the #1 scourge of the skies: nursing women.
Last month a woman nursing her child was asked to leave the plane after she refused to hide under a blanket. She claims she was in the “next to last row” in the “window seat.” That her husband was next to her, and none of her breast was showing. As if it matters, that none of the passengers could actually see her. If they can’t see her, they could surely hear all that contented suckling. And what about Jesus, ma’am? As we know, he’s watching us all, especially those of us at an increased altitude. Do you think he wants to look at that?
Now Little Miss My Child Needs to Eat is suing, and no one, not even Barbara Walters, has supported the two airlines as they struggle to help everyone forget what breasts are for. Oh, Barbara. I’ll never forget that moment last year, when she pursed her lips and told the world what they could do with Breasts on a Plane. I can still remember that look in her eyes: so haunted, so judgmental.The only thing I ever got out of my breasts was some wood shavings, she seemed to say. And that was when I was interviewing Anwar Sadat.
Now more than ever, someone’s got to take a stand. Every day, the International League of Breast Fetishists continue their breast-forcing campaign. The World Health Organization claims that breastfeeding is the most important thing you can do for a baby’s health. The American Academy of Pediatrics insists that there are “health, nutrional, immunologic, developmental, psychologic, social, economic, and environmental benefits” to breastfeeding. The CDC is committed to promoting breastfeeding around the world.
Even the companies Target, Starbucks, and Toys ‘R’ Us, for instance, who frequently attempt to save us from breasts, trot out their “official policies,” which are filled with a bunch of hippy-dippy, women-have-rights nonsense, the moment they come under fire. Thank goodness their employees don’t actually know about these policies and can cast out the nursing women, or at least humiliate them. Can you imagine what our shopping excursions would be without these brave souls? We’d have to look really closely at some woman sitting in a corner with her child, and when we did, we’d maybe see parts of boobs.
Some parts of the breasts are okay–the cleavage, for instance–but the utilitarian parts are, objectively speaking, abhorrent. Victoria’s Secret employees understand this. They spend their days supporting and lifting the objects in question, so they know. And when a nursing woman was asked to feed her child in the employee bathroom, that’s what they were trying to teach her– that those circles in the middle of the breasts are the dirty bathroom parts. And yet she failed to understand. Her response? “I don’t eat in the bathroom and my daughter doesn’t eat in the bathroom.”
You don’t? But then where do you eat your nightly set of Twix Bars? Where do you stuff the wrappers, if not in the tank? This world doesn’t make sense anymore.
Another important issue surrounding public breastfeeding is safety. A local parks director finally made this clear, after a woman at a community pool wanted to stay and breastfeed her baby while her five year old was swimming. “When you see something like that, it draws people’s attention from the pool. You kind of take a double take, triple take, then you sink to the bottom of the pool.”
Breasts cause people to sink. In fact, women’s breasts are killing people all across the country. How many headlines do we need to see before we take action? “Nursing Mother Kills Twelve at Water Park.” “Local Man Views Nip, Drowns in Slurpee.” “Raised Eyebrows Caused By Breast Feeding Increase Chance of Headaches, Bad Moods, Brain Cancer.”
Nursing women are killers, and they must be stopped.
If, like me, you want nothing more than for these nursing women to stop turning you on, you can take action. I urge you to stand and fight, before a breastmilk tsunami sweeps us all away. Thank you.