Baby Bottle Wars
Hi. We’re Dr. Brown’s bottles. We’re the bottles your first baby loved. We’re the bottles that solved all your problems. We’re the bottles that changed your life. Because of that, we’re the bottles you decreed as The Greatest Bottles In All The Land to everybody. You bought us for your friends, you arm-wrestled Avents out of expectant mothers at the store. You bought approximately 347 of the new-and-improved BPA-free version of us the minute you got pregnant again.
We’re also the bottles that your second baby hates with a burning hot passion. So now you’re up to your eyeballs in us, with all our extra little inner pieces that need to be washed and assembled and you’re always missing one part and you realize that we’re kind of a pain after all, especially since apparently babies are DIFFERENT and STUFF and now you finally sort of get why none of your friends invite you to baby showers anymore.
Hi. I’m the Adiri Natural Nurser. I look like a boob. I cost $12.50 a pop. But when your boobs are killing you and you need a break and your baby won’t take a bottle without gagging and puking it all back up and you start sobbing because oh, my God, you’ll never have a meal of chicken nuggets and fancy wine in peace again, I start looking PRETTY DARN GOOD PRETTY DARN FAST.
Of course, just when you finally got comfortable with breastfeeding in front of your father-in-law, I come along and make things all awkward again. I mean, LOOK AT ME.
(This was me, back in college.)
Hi. I’m the Babylife WeeGo. I’m a BPA-free glass bottle with a BPA-free silicone sleeve and did I mention that I am 100% BPA-free? Which, you know, should be a given, since I am made of GLASS. And not, you know, PLASTIC. But I’m still gonna slap that BPA-free label all over the place because I think some of you might not really understand the whole BPA thing.
Coming soon! Chlorine-free baby food! Unbleached formula! Gluten-free diapers!
Hi. I’m the Munchkin Mighty Grip. I’m another BPA! FREE! GLASS! BOTTLE! I also feature some killer curves and make it easy for your five-month-old to hold onto me all by himself because he is a goddamn genius baby, look at that! Look! Honey! Get the camera! Oh, wait. He dropped it. Whatever. He’s still totally brilliant.
But the bottle didn’t break. Score for the Mighty Grip!
But, please also consider this entry to be my official application to be on the next season of RuPaul’s Drag Race. Dang, but I am fabulous.
Hi. So. Yeah. I’m a Medela bottle. I don’t think I even have a fancy name or anything. I’m just the one that came with your breast pump. At one time, that was enough for you people. I was THERE. I was THERE and I was BASIC and I WORKED but now all you want are fancy shapes and colors and patented vented nipple designs and I get blamed for your baby spitting up but I have news for you missy, BABIES SPIT UP. That WASN’T MY FAULT. Yes, I AM BITTER. Look, I’m not even CLEAN. What the HELL.
Girl. Please. I’m the free sample that came in the hospital diaper bag. You think anybody ever thinks to use ME anymore? I’m as BPA-free as any of you bitches but ooooh, nobody wants to use some random plastic bottle with a boring old non-patented nipple design and you know there were actually two of us once? The other one melted in the dishwasher because apparently it was too much for someone to read the care instructions that clearly stated TOP RACK ONLY, but whatever, she can keep her expensive designer boob bottles, I’m gonna go hit the bar and top off with 4 ounces of vodka, you wanna come?
