Alpha Mom » Kelcey & Wendi http://alphamom.com parenting and pregnancy opinions and information Fri, 31 Oct 2014 15:30:01 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=4.0 Universal Parenting Truths: Halloween Edition http://alphamom.com/family-fun/holidays/parenting-truths-halloween-edition/ http://alphamom.com/family-fun/holidays/parenting-truths-halloween-edition/#comments Wed, 29 Oct 2014 20:58:04 +0000 http://alphamom.com/?p=35117

You can totally relate, right?

1. The moment you press “Complete Transaction” to order your son his Power Ranger outfit, he will decide to be Spiderman.

2. You will spend $10 on a cute candy bucket and your tween son will instead use your best pillowcase for trick or treating.

3. It’s really hard to explain to kids how the Halloween decorating budget got spent at Bloomingdales on really really cute wedges.

(Universal Parenting Truths: Halloween Edition) Your favorite kid is the one who can carve a pumpkin that looks like Ryan Gosling.

4. Your favorite kid is the one who can carve a pumpkin that looks like Ryan Gosling.

5. The Halloween triathlon: Jumping over a candy rack, shimmying under table and knocking over 3 fellow shoppers to get the last Elsa costume.

Universal Parenting Truths: Halloween Edition Good parents sort* through their kids’ Halloween candy. (*steal the chocolate)

6. Good parents sort* through their kids’ Halloween candy. (*steal the chocolate)

7. If you leave a bowl of candy outside your door with a sign that reads, “Please just take one,” you are a true optimist.

(Universal Parenting Truths: Halloween Edition) Kids have just as much fun counting all their loot at the end of the night as they do eating it. Just kidding. Counting sucks. Eating rocks.

8. Kids have just as much fun counting all their loot at the end of the night as they do eating it. Just kidding. Counting sucks. Eating rocks.

9. A successful parent is one that can steal their kid’s candy without detection.

(Universal Parenting Truths: Halloween Edition) Carving a fancy jack-o-lantern won’t impress your kids. But the swear words you yell while you’re doing it might.

10. Carving a fancy jack-o-lantern won’t impress your kids. But the swear words you yell while you’re doing it might.

11. If you buy bags of candy you don’t like, you’ll eventually decide you do like it. Usually at 3 a.m.

12. Even if you’re super exhausted, the neighbor’s fake graveyard is never a suitable place to take a nap.

13. Turning your porch light off is a signal that you don’t have candy. And a signal that you want your house pelted with eggs.

14. Your kid is too old to trick or treat if you can see his mustache under his Elmo mask.

15. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should dress up like a Sexy Hamburger.

16. If you buy a singing skeleton, and you have children, you will hear “Another One Bites The Dust” 857 times.

17. Kids never forget the houses that hand out pennies instead of candy.

What did we miss?

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Back-to-School Truths http://alphamom.com/parenting/back-to-school-truths/ http://alphamom.com/parenting/back-to-school-truths/#comments Fri, 15 Aug 2014 18:28:33 +0000 http://alphamom.com/?p=34051

Holy smokes, what happened to summer? Whether your kids are already back to school or you are winding down your summer vacations, we knew you could use some back to school humor and wisdom (okay, more humor than actual wisdom). So stop trying to remember what you ever packed your kids for lunch (we can’t remember either) and enjoy our back-to-school truths.

1. You will knock down another mom to get the last Frozen backpack and later your daughter will say, “That’s Anna. I only like Elsa.”

2. You will spend $300 back-to-school shopping with your kids and return home with 8 sparkly shirts, 2 pairs of sunglasses and no pants.

Back-to-School Truths: You will spend $300 back-to-school shopping with your kids and return home with 8 sparkly shirts, 2 pairs of sunglasses and no pants.

3. You will attempt to bribe a Staples employee into gathering all the items on your school’s supply list while you sit and read Facebook.

4. The mom who keeps talking about how fast the summer went is the one who spent it vacationing on the French Riviera.

5. Prayers that the hot dad will be one of the parents in your kid’s class will go unanswered. Instead you’ll get Rita, the overbearing, chatty PTA mom.

6. You will insist to your kids that your back-to-school happy dance is just excitement about the fall television lineup.

Back-to-School Truths: You will insist to your kids that your back-to-school happy dance is just excitement about the fall television lineup

7. Despite vowing to say “no” more often this year, by day two, you’ll be signed up for the auction committee, the book fair and room mom.

8. After checking out the creative, inspired back-to-school lunch ideas on Pinterest, you’ll just make the same stuff you did last year.

9. The kid who has loved school busses his entire life will suddenly hate them when it’s his turn to ride one.

10. On the first day of school, get a good look at your kid’s brand-new backpack because it’s all downhill from here, baby.

11. It’s okay to be sad when your child starts Kindergarten. It’s not okay to sit outside the school with a bottle of wine and binoculars.

12. You know what’s fun about packing school lunches? That’s a trick question. There’s nothing fun about packing school lunches.

13. Once again, you’re the parent in the bathrobe at the bus stop.

Back-to-School Truths: Once again, you're the parent in the bathrobe at the bus stop.

14. The kid who woke up at 5 a.m. every day for vacation will suddenly be impossible to wake up at 7:00 a.m. every day for school.

15. Remember: Your child isn’t the only one who needs a new outfit for the first day of school.

 

Did we miss any other universal parenting truths about back-to-school?

 

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Parent Truisms: End-of-School & Summer Vacation Edition http://alphamom.com/parenting/parent-truisms-end-of-school-summer-vacation-edition/ http://alphamom.com/parenting/parent-truisms-end-of-school-summer-vacation-edition/#comments Thu, 29 May 2014 18:13:02 +0000 http://alphamom.com/?p=32773

1. Don’t bother cleaning out your kid’s backpack at the end of the school year. Just light it on fire.

2. Beginning of the year party: You bring two dozen gourmet cupcakes.
End of the year party: You bring an expired bag of chips.

3. The teacher who’s the most bright-eyed in September will be the one zooming out of the parking lot with a bottle of tequila in June.

Parent Truism End-of-School Edition: "Try to resist the urge to yell, “Suck it, homework!” on the last day of school."
4. Try to resist the urge to yell, “Suck it, homework!” on the last day of school.

5. You think you want to be the house where the neighborhood kids hang out all summer. Until you’re the house the neighborhood kids hang out at all summer.

Parent Truisms Summer Vacation Edition: "There will be one kid who spends so much time at your house this summer, you’ll wonder if you should start a college fund for him."

6. There will be one kid who spends so much time at your house this summer, you’ll wonder if you should start a college fund for him.

7. What a kid packs in their suitcase for vacation: balls, old markers, cookies, cat toys, action figures, Play-Doh.
What a kid doesn’t pack in their suitcase: Underwear.

8. The kid who says, “I’m bored” on the first day of summer is the kid doing yard work on the first day home from school.

9. Popsicles count as a meal during the summer.

Parent Truism End-of-School Edition: "You will roll your eyes at the idea of a preschool graduation until it’s your kid graduating."

10. You will roll your eyes at the idea of a preschool graduation until it’s your kid graduating.

Parent Truisms Summer Vacation Edition: "Limiting your kids to one hour of summer TV is as hard as limiting yourself to one margarita."

11. Limiting your kids to one hour of summer TV is as hard as limiting yourself to one margarita.

12. If you send your kids to sleep away camp, you will cry before they leave, cry while they are away and cry that they are home. Yet be completely happy you sent them.

13. You will at some point beg anyone who comes to your house – whether it’s the pest control guy or the cable guy – to help you take care of the kids.

14. Your quest to be the fun, carefree mom will last exactly 7 hours – at the moment your kids are spitting chocolate covered marshmallows at each other and demanding another marathon dance party with 20 of their friends.

15. You will take too long to sign up your kids for camp and will try to convince them to take the last two spots at Camp Lottsa-Lice.

Parent Truism Summer Vacation Edition: "At some point you will let your kids convince you that sitting outside with an iPad is pretty much the same thing as playing outside."

16. At some point you will let your kids convince you that sitting outside with an iPad is pretty much the same thing as playing outside.

17. In June, happy hour starts at 5. In July, it starts at 4:30. In August, morning mimosas anyone?

18. You will forget to order the required school supplies and will end up wrestling some 12-year-old for the last packet of highlighters at an overcrowded office supply store in late August.

19. The day your kid goes on a camp field trip to the zoo is the same day a rare lizard goes missing. Your child will swear it’s just a coincidence.

Parent Truism Summer Vacation Edition: "You will wonder how on earth you are supposed to apply a 4 oz bottle of sunscreen liberally and frequently on all 3 kids."

20. You will wonder how on earth you are supposed to apply a 4 oz bottle of sunscreen liberally and frequently on all 3 kids.

21.You will consider chucking your child’s giant sculpture out the window on the way home from art camp.

22. You will hide your wallet from your children every time the ice cream truck circles your block.

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Parent Truisms http://alphamom.com/parenting/parent-truisms/ http://alphamom.com/parenting/parent-truisms/#comments Wed, 16 Apr 2014 14:31:01 +0000 http://alphamom.com/?p=32267

Just like no two snowflakes are the same, no two parenting experiences are the same. However, there are certain things about the highs and lows of raising kids that seem to ring true for almost every mom and dad. We’re sure you’ll relate to at least a few of these.

1. The more time you spend preparing your children’s dinner, the less time it’ll take them to declare, “dis is ucky I want toast!”

2. If you find a forgotten sippy cup under a car seat, for the love of God, do not open it.

3. Don’t bother vacuuming your car after a road trip. It’s easier to just buy a new one.

Parenting Truisms #3 | Alpha Mom

4. Every kid owns at least 100 unmated socks. These socks are found everywhere in your house. Except inside the sock drawer.

Parenting Truisms socks #4 | Alpha Mom

5. You can fight all day to get your baby to nap, then as soon as he does, you want to wake him up because he’s so cute.

6. The day your lactating boobs are leaking and there’s baby spit up all over your shirt is the day you will run into every ex-boyfriend you’ve ever had.

7. If you don’t know who the weirdo in your cul-de-sac is, you’re the weirdo in your cul-de-sac.

Parenting Truisms #7 | Alpha Mom

8. Sunday night at 8 p.m. is the exact moment your child remembers they have a science fair project due the next morning.

9. If you go to the grocery store with young kids, you will spend hundreds of dollars and forget the one thing you absolutely, positively needed to buy. This can also happen when you are shopping alone due to years of sleep deprivation.

10. You will cringe at some of the things people say to you when you’re pregnant, “You look like you are ready to burst!” or “Catch up on your sleep now!” And then you will inexplicably say these same things to other pregnant women.

11. If you leave your kids at home for a romantic night out with your spouse, there will be a table with loud children right next to you.

12. At the exact time your kids finally become rational and enjoyable to be around is the time they’d rather hang out with their friends.

13. If you leave the room during PTO elections, you will be elected President.

Parenting Truism No. 13 | Alpha Mom

14. A white Little League uniform is only white for one day.

15. You will cringe at the schmaltzy phrase that parenthood is “… to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” You cringe even more when you realize it’s actually true.

16. Same goes for the saying, “The days are long but the years are short.”

17. The theory that you’re too old to get pregnant doesn’t always hold true. You have a baby to prove it.

Parenting Truisms #17 | Alpha Mom

18. You will one day find yourself alone watching the Disney Channel after your kids have gone to bed.

19. Your children will be ready to give up their naps long before you are.

Parenting Truisms #19 | Alpha Mom

20. You will adhere to lots of schedules, sleep training and healthy meals with your first child. Your last child will eat peanut butter crackers for breakfast and wear a bathrobe to school and you won’t even begin to care.

21. Once you have kids, you will wonder what you ever did to keep yourself busy before you had a family.

22. Your life changes dramatically the day your kid is old enough to sit in the front seat of the car and he suddenly has opinions about the radio.

23. It takes 20 minutes getting your kids into the bathtub and twice that long to get them out.

24. You can go years without seeing a movie in a theater.

25. You will hide in the bathroom. When the kids come and find you, you will mutter something about stomach problems so you can have two minutes of peace on your iPhone.

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