I always thought that parenting would get easier as my kids hit the elementary years, but though the physical strains, sleep deprivation and diaper changes are over, things are more complex these days. Now I have a bright, creative, witty nine-year-old who seems to be overwhelmed by life.

If your child has struggled with any type of disorder, you know how frustrating the process is. Life is consumed by educational evaluations, teacher conferences, visits to psychologists and psychiatrists. Medication, therapy, books, classes. Not to mention the time, money and pressure on family life. So you take all of the advice, diagnoses and suggestions. Then add those of your family. Your parents believe it’s psycho-babble and some well-meaning friends suggest it’s just a phase. Your husband might rather ignore it and hope it goes away on its own. It’s not going away. In fact, it’s getting worse.

As I watch my daughter scream at her shoes or hit her sister for simply brushing past her, I am starting to understand that she sees the world differently. Sensations overwhelm her. Our nervous system processes millions of sensations every day, every minute in fact. What most of us don’t even think about as background noise can be completely overwhelming to my daughter; the sensation of wind on her face, the tension of the seatbelt in the car, the volume of the television. So a time-out for hitting her sister hasn’t been the right response for us, but instead she needs a helping hand to navigate through our world of sensory overload.

We’ve been given many different possibilities: ADHD, anxiety, OCD, sensory processing disorder, bipolar disorder, mild Asperger’s Syndrome. My brother has Asperger’s Syndrome, so I see the similarities as well as some dramatic differences, but I also know how difficult it is on a family. As part of our human nature, we insist on naming the problem so we can begin to fix it. We look for causes – diet, plastics, viruses, maybe the chlorine in the pool? We read every new article about things that might be hurting our kids. And it seems there are toxins everywhere. We become angry, frustrated and confused by all of the information, and the lack of information.

So, it’s a disorder. Things are not ordered correctly. Not normal. I hate the word. I think we’re looking at a world where we all see things differently and if we don’t start talking about it with our kids and let them talk about it with each other, they won’t have the confidence to cope with life. I know that many kids these days struggle from the alphabet soup of disorders: OCD, ADHD, SPD, PDD. Why aren’t we talking about it more openly? Our family is tackling the issue on multiple fronts with therapy, medication and every possible activity that might help. But I want my daughter to understand that she’s not alone. It’s the term “disorder” that’s holding us back as parents. We don’t want our kids to be labeled, ostracized, different. Once kids realize that they’re not alone, we can start the conversation and maybe realize that we’ve all been different all along.

****************

Author’s Note: I chose to remain anonymous since the internet is such a public forum and I feel that my family’s privacy is not entirely mine to give away. We have been open at school and in our personal life about our daughter’s sensory issues, hoping to start a conversation among parents and children. I have left it to my daughter to decide if she wanted to talk about it with her friends and was so proud when she did – and they decided that wearing a necklace that you can chew is cool! Her friend went out and bought one too.

Photo credit: Thinkstock

Our guest contributor is Angie Lynch, who writes A Whole Lot of Nothing

As a native Floridian, I know my way around the Sunshine State. Having kids with whom to experience all of the activities and attractions, it’s extra fun to see the Orlando area from a kid’s point of view. Orlando is known for being a vacation destination, and alongside all of the theme parks, Central Florida is home to amazing kid-friendly activities. From the nature trails to water parks to professional sports and art classes to sweet treats, Orlando has a never-ending list of fun things for families and kids to do.

1. See the nighttime fireworks show at Magic Kingdom over Cinderella Castle at Disney World.

2. Take a swan boat ride on Lake Eola.

3. Attend an Orlando Magic basketball game.

4. View the manatees at Blue Springs State Park.

5. Swim with the dolphins at Discovery Cove.

6. Go ice skating at RDV Sportsplex.

7. Take a hotel tour of Disney resorts while Christmas decorations are on display, making sure not to miss out on the life-size gingerbread house at the Grand Floridian.

8. Walk through the downtown farmer’s market, eating grilled corn on the cob.

9. Drink a pint of Butter Beer at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Orlando.

10. See the stars at the Orlando Science Center planetarium.

11. Ride a bike on the West Orange Trail.

12. Watch a movie with dinner at the AMC Downtown Disney 24 Fork & Screen.

13. See all of the millions of Osborne Family Spectacle of Dancing Lights at Disney’s Hollywood Studios in December.

14. Jump off onto a zip line over the swamp canopy in Kissimmee.

15. Get slimed when you stay a weekend at Nickelodeon Suites Resort Hotel.

16. Meet Mickey Mouse at Disney World.

17. Play and learn science at Wonderworks, the upside down building.

18. Take a scenic canoe tour of Wekiwa Springs.

19. Visit the Holocaust Memorial in Maitland and watch a film about those who lived it.

20. Get splashed by Shamu at SeaWorld Orlando.

21. Dine with the Disney Princesses at Akershus in Epcot.

22. Go on the Kim Possible scavenger hunt in Epcot.

23. Have a gourmet mini cupcake and a cup of frozen yogurt at Sweet! by Good Golly Miss Holly.

24. Pet and feed sting rays and dolphins at SeaWorld.

25. Earn a driver’s license from Driving School at LEGOLAND.

26. Trade pins with cast members all around Disney World.

27. Watch the annual Citrus Bowl Parade pass through Downtown Orlando.

28. Order the Kitchen Sink at Beaches & Cream at Disney’s Beach Club, and eat the entire thing.

29. Visit the Orlando History Center during one of their special events.

30. Hang out at the Children’s Library at the downtown Public Library, reading aloud your favorite books.

31. Plan ahead for an Off-Broadway tour performance at Bob Carr Performaning Center.

32. Spend a day at Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Odditorium discovering historic oddities.

33. During the non-summer months, picnic with the elephants at the Central Florida Zoo and Botanical Gardens.

34. Putt-putt to your heart’s content at the one of the 5 Central Florida Congo River Golf locations.

35. Drive out to Green Meadows Farm and petting zoo to meet with the animals, ride the train, and take a pony ride.

36. See the hundreds of alligators and gator wrestling show at Kissimmee’s historic Gatorland. Make sure to find the enormous albino aligator!

37. Visit Horse World Riding Stables and learn more about how to properly ride a horse.

38. Jump around at AirHeads Indoor Trampoline Arena.

39. Have lunch at Dave & Busters then stick around for an afternoon of arcade fun.

40. Find your way through Long & Scott’s Corn Maze during the Fall months, making sure to take a hay ride through the farm.

41. Attend a spring training game for the Atlanta Braves at Disney’s Wide World of Sports.

42. Watch the as the ducks march through the Peabody Hotel on International Drive.

43. Take an airboat ride through the Florida swamps at the headwaters to the Everglades.

44. Pick a bushel of citrus from U-Pick Showcase of Citrus in Clermont.

45. Attend an Orlando Solar Bears hockey game (beginning in Fall 2012).

46. Spend the weekend at Star Wars Celebration at the Orlando Orlando County Convention Center.

47. See a kid’s theater show at the Orlando Repertory Theatre.

48. Take an art class at Crealde School of Art in Winter Park.

49. Race the whole family in go-carts at Fun Spot.

50. Swim the day away on the water slides and wave pools at Wet n’ Wild.

Related: Here’s our 65 Things You Must Do & See at Disney World list.

(This series was inspired by Mommy Poppins’ 100 Things to Do with Your Kids in NY Before They Grow Up.)

Top Photo credit: Thinkstock

By the Mouthy Housewives

Why should adults be the only ones to benefit from awesome Deals-of-the-Day? After all, kids love a bargain, too. That’s why GroupMom now offers children as young as one-years-old special deals designed to make their little lives a bit easier. So break open those piggy banks, dig into those couch cushions and scrounge up some coins, kids—these offers won’t last long!

TODAY’S GROUPMOM DEALS:

• 2 Dimes for 1 Hour of Patiently Listening to a Recap of Your Wii Game
• 40 Cents For 3 Dinners Where The Food on Your Plate Doesn’t Touch the Other Food on Your Plate
• $1 for An Entire Day Without a Hygiene Lecture
• $3 To Find Your Missing Pokemon Card in the Pile of 10,000 Other Pokemon Cards
• 53 Cents and the Savings Bond From Grandma Gets You No Indoor Voice! Reminders for 24 Hours (offer subject to change depending on mommy’s mental state)
• 11 Cents to Actually Look at Your Artwork Before Saying “Good job!”
• 50 Cents for No Eye Rolls While You’re Whining About How Tough Your Life Is (must be 13 or older)
• 25 Cents and You Don’t Have to Take a Bath For Two Nights
• 45 Cents and You Get to Paint Mommy or Daddy’s Toenails Neon Pink with Unicorn Stickers. (No extra charge for giving us a foot massage!)
• $5 Gets You No Mommy Yelling All Day (This offer has already expired and can no longer be redeemed)
• 50 Cents For Not Sneaking Spinach Into Your Brownies
• 12 Cents for not Making Gagging Noises When You Pick Your Nose. (20 cents for both nostrils)
• $10 for Actually Buying That Your Sister “Started It”
• 50 Cents for Not Giving You a Big Hug and Kiss in Front of Your Friends
• 25 Cents for 5 Minutes of Playing the Drum Set We Hid in the Basement
• $1 Per Poop Joke at the Dinner Table
• 30 Cents For Two Less Carrots At Dinner. An Extra Dime for No Carrots At All.

More parody and humor can be found over at The Mouthy Housewives website. Go ahead and click on over but first tell us if there are any deals you think your kids would like to see offered on GroupMom.

Photo credit: Thinkstock

By the Mouthy Housewives

This week we heard that a restaurant in Pennsylvania is banning kids under the age of six from its premises. Because kids can be noisy.  And annoying. And picky eaters who need highchairs. And apparently, they shouldn’t be exposed to other members of the human race. We are unclear whether the restaurant will offer a post by its door where parents can tie up their children while they enjoy a delicious meal, or whether the sight of salivating children will be too upsetting to the restaurant’s patrons. Maybe they’ll put a bowl of water on the floor for them just to be nice.

Still, being mothers ourselves, we admire the initiative to make a dining experience more pleasant. That’s why we have some suggestions for the other types of people restaurants should exclude. People who none of us like to see breaking bread at the next table. Let’s make eating out safe for everyone, okay?

Who Should Be Banned from Restaurants:

• Toothpick users. Especially those who examine whatever they extract like it’s a freaking diamond.
• People who call themselves “Foodies”. Without irony.
• Women who say, “Oh, I really shouldn’t” when offered dessert. Live a little, baby.
• Anyone who tucks their napkin into their shirt collar like they’re ready for some good eatin’.
• People who lean back from the table and unbutton their pants after a meal. Nobody wants to see that.
• Any and all groups of women who try to divvy up a bill to the last penny and yell things like, “But Sharon just had a salad! Why should she pay for Jenny’s steak?”
• People who chew with their mouths open. Even toddlers know that’s rude.
• Men who hold their utensils like cavemen.
• Anyone who yells “WoooHooooo!” and slams their glass down after they’ve finished a drink.
• That thin gorgeous young couple who are all over each other (No, we’re not jealous. Why do you ask?)
• The group of frat guys who are pounding on the table and screaming, “Chug! Chug! Chug!” It’s just rude to be so loud and not buy the other patrons a complimentary round.
• The couple who are both constantly on their smart phones. They are quiet. And creepy. And don’t talk. Are they at least texting each other?
• That person alone who is reading. We just don’t like her silent, high brow, “I’m into literature” attitude.
• The person who doesn’t leave a tip on their table. Because now we feel bad for the waitress and have to tip more ourselves.
• Awkward dates. Or ones going *really* well. Ahem.
• People who dump the complimentary bread or chips into the to-go container.

 Seriously?
• Anyone with a camera. With a flash.
• People who make the waiters sing “Happy Birthday” to them when they really should be getting us another glass of wine. So selfish.
• Individuals who comment on what they aren’t ordering from the menu because it “doesn’t agree with me.”
• People who go to a steak restaurant when they’re a vegetarian.
• Waitstaff who don’t write down your order and instead “use their memory.” Does this ever work? No, it does not.
• Anyone that is compelled to TwitPic a hamburger.
• Children. Oh.

More SATIRE and irreverence can be found over at The Mouthy Housewives website. Go ahead and click on over but first tell us who else should be banned from restaurants.

While Amalah is easing her way back to work from maternity leave, we have asked some internet friends to step in with their words of wisdom on some Advice Smackdown questions that have been out of Amy’s area of first-hand knowledge. Casey Mullins from moosh in indy is our guest contributor today.

Dear Amy,

First I want to offer my condolences on the loss of your father. I am hoping that this question will be an easy one for you, even though it has me stumped. But since it is about babies AND hair, I thought you would be the perfect person to ask.

My daughter is about two and a half, and has adorable curly hair. Straight out of the bath it’s ringlet-y curls all over, and then as it dries the curls get a little bigger.

It’s adorable, but it’s also hard to manage. If I brush it in the morning it tends to get kind of frizzy, but I can’t NOT brush it. She sleeps on her stomach and apparently rubs her head on the mattress or something, because lately she gets these huge rats-nests of tangles around her face. I’ve started putting her hair in pigtails during the day to keep it out of her eyes and a little more under control. The way it’s growing is also kind of weird… along the edge of her hairline it’s still pretty short, but the hair on the crown of her head is much longer. As in, hair from the top of her head actually comes farther down her back than hair that grows near the nape of her neck. Of course, the long part is what gets the most tangled, but it’s hard to put just that part up in a ponytail. Anyway, I’ve never had curly hair so I don’t really know how to work with this. We wash it about twice a week and I’ve started using adult conditioner on the ends. Should I try any other products? I’m not sure what to use on hair that’s still baby-fine. Should I have someone cut it so it’s all more one-length? I don’t really want the Little Orphan Annie look. What do you think?

At Least I Don’t Have to Cut Bangs Yet

So you birthed a baby with curly hair, come, sit close, let us commiserate and celebrate the joys of kinky headed children. I know for me one of the greatest joys is just how easy a curly head is to pick out in a sea of straight haired little girls. However the commiseration begins with all the comments. ZOMG THE COMMENTS.

“Is her hair naturally curly?”

“She’s going to hate that hair when she gets older!”

“Where did she get that curly hair?”

“AWW SHE’S A LITTLE SHIRLY TEMPLE!”

Look, people, I know you’re just trying to be nice, but “IS HER HAIR NATURALLY CURLY?” She’s three and do I look like a pageant mom? I’m pretty sure painting a badger’s toenails would be easier that curling a toddler’s hair. The good news is that us moms with curly haired progeny can bond together over products, techniques and styles that most moms never have to worry about. Having a child with curly hair could easily be considered a lifestyle. That is unless you don’t really care, because I know there are days when I let the haircare slip and my eldest runs around society looking as though no one really loves her with her wild tangle of frizzy hair.

So today I impart to you the wisdom I have learned over the past six years of dealing with my daughter’s head full of golden ringlets.

1. Trim and trim often. I know when it came time for Addie’s first haircut at around two years old I was petrified that her curls wouldn’t come back. I think many moms worry about this and put off a haircut as long as possible leaving their little kids with unruly mullet looking rats’ nests. Curly hair needs trims just as often (if not more often) that straight hair simply because it can dry out much faster, especially at the ends where it is more prone to breaking since it tangles so easily. *deep breath* The curls will come back, even if they don’t a neatly trimmed head of hair looks much better than a somewhat curly mess. Addie has wanted long hair forever, but it’s much easier to keep her curls short and layered and if I had it my way she’d sport a short curly bob like she did back when she wasn’t allowed to have an opinion on her haircut.

2. Go to a real salon. Cutting and trimming curly hair is an art, and not just anyone can or should be doing it. Especially when it comes to bargain haircutting places. Curly hair grows at different speeds and in different levels of curliness on the head so it’s important to find someone who can balance everything out and make everything play nicely together. Occasionally you can find someone who is skilled in curly hair (generally it’s people who have curly headed children) at a cheap place but if you’re serious about maintenance, call around until you find someone skilled with curls. I’ve had the most luck with Aveda trained stylists. And while you may be taking your kid to a grown up salon, generally a kid’s cut in a fancy place won’t cost you a whole lot more than a mediocre cut in a strip mall. Not to mention a regular stylist for your curly headed child will get to know how your kids hair grows, making each visit easier and each haircut better than the last.

3. Do not brush. Ever. Brushes are not meant for curls. Wide toothed combs and fingers are meant for curls. Stock up on them and leave one in every room of your house if you must so you’re not tempted to use a brush in a hurry. Curls have their own pattern and a brush does nothing but mess with the way a curl naturally wants to curl. Keep a spray bottle in each room as well if you need to, because just using your hand and the faucet will land you with a very damp kid and unevenly damp hair (which = frizz.)

4. Do not wash curly hair everyday. It dries it out. In fact some curly heads can get away with never actually shampooing their hair, or only shampooing the greasy parts occasionally. I however have to shampoo Addie’s hair at least twice a week or the little kid A) smells like a wet dog or B) ends up with cradle cap. It’s very important that when you do shampoo curls you don’t mess with them too much, don’t rub and tangle them, instead scrub the scalp with your fingertips and gently work the shampoo through with your fingers as well.

5. Even if you don’t wash curly hair everyday, it should be conditioned during every shower or bath. Use a moisturizing conditioner meant for kids (more on specific products later.) Again, don’t rub and tangle, simply run it through allowing the curls to maintain their own pattern. When you dry the hair don’t rub it with the towel, instead blot it, comb it from the nape of the neck up (allowing for more volume) scrunch on product and finish styling with only your fingers. Allow it to air dry (or use a diffuser if you must.) Even if the curls look clumped together don’t mess with them until they are dry, and once they are just do some light puffing up with your fingertips at the roots.

6. Prepare for a lot of product trial and error. Six years ago there weren’t the products for curly headed kids like there are today. And over the course of those six years I used an awful lot of adult products on a little girl. I’ve learned that it’s more important how you wash and handle the curls than it does how many products you use and how much they cost. Some of the best advice I got was from another mom of a curly headed girl, she said that she uses kid’s ethnic hair care products on her towheaded baby. They are super moisturizing like a grown up conditioner but safer for little faces. My current favorite products are by Curly Q’s, a line for “multi-ethnic women and girls.” Not only are they organic and all natural, they also have sulfate free options. They are not heavy or greasy, nor do they leave gobs of build up. Not to mention they smell like delicious cake batter. I found it at Target for around $10 a bottle…it may be slightly more difficult to find than other brands depending on where you live. The Curly Q site also has more excellent resources for curl care. The best news is that the products work well both in the humidity of Indiana (where I live) and the dry air of Utah (where we’re currently visiting.) Other products I’ve used that I feel comfortable recommending are Ouidad KRLY Kids (not as moisturizing but very gentle) and Circle of Friends (some of the smells are nauseating and the packaging is…well…let’s just say I’m a graphic design major and am heavily influenced by package design. *ehem*). While they don’t have a specific formula for curly hair their more moisturizing products are in fact quite moisturizing, however many are 2-in-1 which isn’t always ideal for curls.

One final thing is not to try new products on hair that hasn’t been recently cut or trimmed, even trimming off a half inch can make an enormous difference in how curls behave and by trying new products on an old haircut you won’t get a real idea of how the product is supposed to work. (That being said, keep receipts and return what doesn’t work, otherwise you’ll end up with a giant product graveyard.)

The 30 second wrap up?

-Call around until you find a stylist who is skilled in curly hair.
-Get your kid a real haircut.
-Don’t wash too often and when you do don’t scrub or tangle the curls.
-Moisturize, moisturize, moisturize.
-Wide tooth combs and fingers only.
-Don’t mess with drying curls, fluff only at the roots once dry.

Caring for curls will get easier as your baby gets older and his or her hair grows in thicker, what works now may not work this time next year or even when the weather changes in winter. Ah, the joys of curls. But honestly? I wouldn’t trade them for anything.

This post is a collective work by The Mouthy Housewives (lucky us!)

Isn’t summer vacation great? School’s over and the kids are home!  All day.  Every day.  Hour after hour. Minute after minute. Second after…okay, you can see where we’re going with this. It’s painful.

What with September and back-to-school being only a few decades away, we’ve been keeping busy by playing lots and lots of fun games with our kids. Lots. All Day. Every day. Hour after…anyway, after a recent round of Duck, Duck, Grey Goose on the Rocks, we paused to read Twitter and saw this bit of genius by @OutnumberedIsMe:

Holy moly, what a game changer!

Because we saw that tweet as a siren song for all of the parents who’ve had it with Twister, Charades and Red Rover. (Question: Why is Rover red? Doesn’t he know we’ve all gone blonde for summer?) And that’s why we’ve come up with a few new games that are fun for kids, but more important, relaxing for parents. Yep, there are no losers in these games, only lots and lots of sleeping/winning!

NEW SUMMER FAMILY GAMES

1. “Sleeping Beauty”: Poor Mommy, she’s fallen under a magic spell and can’t wake up until Daddy comes home at 6 p.m. to kiss her awake. Shhh, kids! Let her sleep or an evil witch will show up! Mwahahahaha!

2. “International Beauty Parlor”: Mommy goes to a beauty parlor in a another land where nobody speaks each others language. The children/spa workers must wash and massage her feet while only communicating in sign language. Do a good job if you want a tip, kids!

3. “We’re Going Camping!”:  Build a cushion fort, get sleeping bags and give the kids candy.  Tell them that if they come out of the fort, the Hungry Bear will eat the candy. The Hungry Bear then naps on couch. (Note: The Hungry Bear is also now the Cranky Bear because the couch is cushionless.)

4. “Dinosaur!”: Mommy is an extinct dinosaur! Oooh! See her fossilized remains there under her down comforter? You can look from a distance, but remember, just like in a museum, no excavating or you will be sent to Museum Security until dinnertime.

5. “Metamorphosis Fun”: Now Mommy is a caterpillar! Look at her in her Snuggie/cocoon! Sit quietly and watch as she transforms into a beautiful butterfly in about an hour or so. Oh, wait—”The Real Housewives of New Jersey” is on. The metamorphosis is going to take a little while longer. Sorry.

6. “We’re Off To See the Wizard!”: It’s Wizard of Oz time! Your kids are the Munchkins, the cat is the Cowardly Lion and the aluminum foil covered dog is the Tin Man! The yellow road awaits, but first Mommy needs to go shoe shopping for some kicky red sandals. Then possibly pass out in a field of poppies. Uh-oh—here comes the Wicked Witch of the PTA. Quick, kids, spray her with the hose!

7. “The Little Rascals”: Take a trip into nostalgia with this fun game from a more simple time. Let your kids bust into a “junkyard” (aka Daddy’s half of the closet) while Guard Dog mommy sleeps in the corner. Classic hijinks! Afterwards, enjoy a snack of baked beans from the can and a bit of cod liver oil to ward off scurvy.

8. “CSI: Mommy”: Look, kids! There’s a body behind the couch and it’s not moving! Put on your sunglasses, your rubber gloves and start investigating! From the looks of things, the body’s been there a few hours, but you still have to be careful when taking hair samples and dusting the coffee table, night stands and other knick knacks for fingerprints. But careful, this is for older, more responsible children only.  Ones who know how to operate a vacuum cleaner and make the wood floors shine.

Happy game playing and remember, summer is for having fun, bonding times with your kids. You just don’t have to be awake for it.

More irreverence can be found over at The Mouthy Housewives website. Go ahead and click on over but first tell us if there are any fun summer family games we should know about.

While Amalah is on maternity leave, we have asked some internet friends to step in with their words of wisdom on some Advice Smackdown questions that have been especially hard to answer.  Today, Cecily Kellogg of Uppercase Woman is our guest contributor.

Amy,

I am normally a fan of big girl underwear, accepting that the intent of most people is not malicious and that’s it’s easier to choose not to be hurt than to be hurt most of the time, but I’m having real trouble doing this right now with a situation.

Background: I got pregnant with our second child almost immediately after we started trying again. Our second child turned out to be boy/girl twins – Whoohoo/oh my gosh! Things proceeded well and then at just past 24 weeks, we lost our girl twin to what turned out to be a cord accident. This was followed by six weeks of hospital bedrest, tocolytics, contractions, stress and the like until we couldn’t safely continue to keep them in and our second son was born ten weeks early. He spent about two months in the NICU, then come home and has been doing really well.

He is not my problem. People have been absolutely wonderful supporting our whole family with him, remembering his early birth and just really making us feel supported. What is making me crazy is no one else seems to remember that our daughter even existed. Yes, she was born still and small (24 weeks is about a pound), but we did meet her, we did hold her and she did exist. Yet, it seems that she is only real to me, our older son and to a lesser degree, my husband. It’s us and the medical professionals who see our son as a single twin.

My conscious, intellectual brain knows that it is really hard for people to remember that she existed. It’s not like with a normal stillbirth and there’s a “lack of baby” to remind people. And intellectually, I feel like I should just let it go, but the emotional part of me screams that I would not be letting “it” go, I would be letting her go!

So, the advice I’m looking for is how to handle comments that are really insensitive IF the person remembered our daughter, but aren’t really given that they don’t. For example, making jokes about trading their to-be-daughter for our newborn son to “save them from a girl”, saying we are lucky that our kids don’t outnumber us or a grandparent saying that an upcoming grandchild will be their first girl (to me or my husband, not as casual conversation to someone else). Even the ubiquitous “are you going to go for a girl” feels to me like I need an answer for it that includes our daughter’s existence. I can’t find anyway to answer these kinds of comments that doesn’t either A. completely kill the mood of the conversation and leave the person feeling uncomfortable or even hurt (definitely not my goal) or B. leaving me feeling like I’ve just discounted her existence and hiding my hurt feelings/anger.

I am comfortable answering the quick question of how many children do you have with two, but for any kind of conversation that is more in-depth, I prefer to say that we had three children. I thought that this might just fade naturally with time, but I don’t think that it will, so I’m thinking I really do need to work through an answer. I will always know exactly how old she would have been through the blessing of her twin brother.

We did go through grief counseling and I honestly really feel like I’m ok with the entire situation, when the whole situation is acknowledged and real. I read Half Baked and An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination while our son was still in the hospital and really enjoyed and benefited from both of these books. I am happy to laugh, cry and even make jokes about our daughter’s loss without even a hint or risk of getting upset or my feelings hurt or anything like that, but somehow the just void is worse.

I really think the answer is that I need to find even bigger big girl underwear and recognize that outside of our nuclear family, she’s not a fact in other people’s reality, but thought I’d run it by you as well!

-Off to the big girl underwear store…

First of all, this isn’t Amy. While Amy is on maternity leave celebrating the birth of her ridiculously adorable third son, the nice folks here at Alpha Mom have asked me to step in and offer up some advice in response to your question. If you wonder why they thought of me, well, I lost twin boys when I was nearly 24 weeks pregnant myself. Which sucked, but gives me some insight into your experience.

Secondly, oh honey. How awful for you! I am so, so, so sorry you had to experience such a tremendous loss. It’s just such a huge and horrid thing.

Oh, the insensitivity! I don’t know why we as a culture have such a difficult time responding appropriately to the loss of babies, whether from miscarriage or stillbirth. It seems to be a rather dramatic example of “out of sight, out of mind” which, on bad days, can make me shake with grief and rage.

Every time I’m asked if my daughter is my only child, there’s a hitch in my response because I don’t want to deny the existence of my sons. However, like you, I also don’t want to be an asshole and force them to acknowledge my grief when they are simply being clueless. Luckily, I’m blessed that many of my friends and family DO remember to acknowledge my sons, so for me, this is more of an issue that comes up with acquaintances than family.

In my opinion, it’s perfectly acceptable to insist that your family members remember your daughter. When a grandparent says, “This will be our first girl grandchild!” You can gently say, “Living, anyway.” Say it softly and lightly and it should be well received – although, frankly, you aren’t responsible for their reactions.

When having a daughter or the number of children you have comes up in conversation with folks you know less well, I would learn to take a cue from YOUR mood. If it’s one of those days when you can mention her with a smile and love – and answer detailed questions without ripping a scab off the wound – by all means talk about her. But on those days where the pain is fresh and close to the surface, you might want to let the moment pass because you can unintentionally pummel your listener with your grief, and that can make the situation doubly awkward. I remember one day at work I chased a customer out of my store because she came in with baby twin boys and I felt so heartbroken that I told her about my boys; I swear, her stroller left skid marks she left so fast.

Trust your gut. You know how much you can take.

Lastly, I have to say that it does ease with time. It’s now been nearly seven years since I lost my sons, and the words “only child” leave my mouth comfortably when I talk about my daughter. There are still some bad days, but most of the time now I’m okay with the fact that my sons live on just in my heart.

I wish you much peace and healing, my dear.

****

You can read more from Cecily at her personal blog, Uppercase Woman.

Amalah is on maternity leave (though she has left several items in the queue to be published) and Marinka of The Mouthy Housewives has graciously offered to step in today to offer her advice on this doozy of a situation.

Hi Amy,

I have a pretty awful and ugly family situation and I really don’t know what to do about it.  I feel completely helpless and I thought maybe you and your readers may have some advice or suggestions on how to proceed.  It is kind of long and involved, although I will try to make it as brief as I can.

My older sister died almost 4 years ago from cancer.  She, my parents and I all live within a mile of each other.  At the time, her daughter was 4 (almost 5)–now she is 8.  She still lives close by with her dad.

At first it seemed we were all united as a family, together in our grief.  Little by little, though, her husband withdrew from us and began to push us away.  He has never been the easiest guy to get along with and the more time that passed, the less he wanted to have anything to do with us.  My parents and I took turns watching my niece while he was at work until I got pregnant and then I mostly turned things over to them after my daughter was born.

It soon became apparent to me that my sister was the glue that held us all together.  She must have worked really hard to keep everything going and everyone pleased.  Her husband was constantly angry with my parents (who can be very overbearing and pushy, yes, but they always mean well).  He was gruff and unreachable and things became very uncomfortable.  He stopped calling me to babysit if he needed it and things were just very, very stilted and awkward.  After a while, I ceased to speak to him at all and many, many months would go by before I’d have any contact with him.  My parents still saw him daily, as they would watch my niece all day or, after she started school, put her on the bus or take her off the bus and watch her until he got home from work.

Things became even more complicated when he started dating his girlfriend.  At first she seemed nice and my parents thought it would be good for my niece to have someone around the house again.  About a year ago, his girlfriend moved in and ever since then, she has methodically and meticulously worked to remove every trace of my sister from that house and has made it more and more difficult for us to spend time with my niece.  I have only met her once, this past December at my niece’s birthday party.  She shook my hand and gave me the once over with a look of disgust on her face.  Then she spent the next 2 hours trying to pretend like she wasn’t watching my every move.

I have heard over and over again from my parents how she speaks to them–rude is putting it mildly.  She is apparently completely disrespectful to them and so is he.  It is really hard for me to watch all of this.  I am pretty sure that my parents die a little each day that they have to go through this.  When my niece’s dad calls, my dad is super nice to him and I want to vomit.  My dad tries to keep the peace and he rarely looses his cool although a few times recently he has said that he has never been more offended at how he is being treated.  I know he tries to be even keeled so he won’t piss off my niece’s dad because we’re all afraid he won’t let us see her anymore.  Someone once said, “He has the prize.”  And it’s true.  My niece is the prize.

A few times recently, my niece’s dad and his girlfriend have either been late or forgotten to pick up my niece at the bus stop after school and she has had to wait on her stoop for someone to come home.  My parents are incensed.  To make sure she wasn’t left outside again, my dad has taken to cruising by the bus stop to ensure that someone is there to meet her.  Today my mom told me that my niece’s dad and his girlfriend have decided to enroll my niece in an after school program at a local Tae Kwon Do school  Their van will pick her up at school, take her to the studio where she’ll do homework and take Tae Kwon Do lessons.  This is actually pretty cool and my niece is excited and I am excited for her.  However, the plan is for this to happen M-F.  Which means that we will never see her!  They do stuff on weekends so we typically get to visit with my niece after school.  My mom is beside herself and my stomach aches just thinking about it.  I’m so angry, so quietly angry.

I am positive that the girlfriend is quietly whispering in my niece’s dad’s ear.  He may have never liked us but everything that has happened lately is so diabolical and I don’t see him doing this on his own.  I want to ask her WHO THE EFF ARE YOU LADY?  You’re his girlfriend, not his wife.  She seems like a snake.  My niece may be too young to stand up for herself and her Daddy is her man.  It pains me to see how they treat her–they put her second all the time.  I mean, yes, the Tae Kwon Do is neat but I also see it as now they don’t have to worry about remembering to pick her up or be home early.  She’ll be out of their hair for a while, they don’t have to help her with her homework, etc.  It’s all very convenient.

I love my niece, adore her and I never, ever see her.  It is literally breaking my heart and it is making my parents even more wrought with grief.  My niece is our link to my sister and they are essentially taking her away from us by making it virtually impossible to see her and spend time together.  My daughter (who will be 3 soon) constantly asks me if we can play with my niece and I cannot take having to say “Niece is with her Daddy” again and again.  These cousins should be able to build their relationship.  I also have a son who is now 10 months and could potentially have no memory of ever having spent any time with her.

So tell me…what to do?  Anything?  Sit back and let this happen?  (This is what I’ve done and it hasn’t worked.)  I don’t feel like I have any leg to stand on to confront them.  I just don’t know where to go or what to do or how to begin.

Thanks.
Heartbroken Aunt

It certainly is an awful and ugly family situation and my heart breaks for you.  Not only are you mourning your sister’s passing, but now you and your parents are being pushed out of your niece’s life.  No one should have to stand for that, and hopefully you won’t have to.

Right off the bat, I have to say that much as the new girlfriend may upset you (and let’s face it, chances are great that she is threatened by your sister’s memory, and by you, by extension) you are going to have to let that go.  Your instinct not to ask her who the eff she thinks she is and tell her off are excellent.  You don’t need more problems from her.

From what you have told us, I wouldn’t be surprised if the girlfriend were lying in wait of  your confronting her.  Some people bask in the glow of confrontation, so don’t give her the satisfaction. In the long run, she may marry and divorce the dad, or she may not, but you are an aunt for LIFE.

Let’s focus on the ultimate goal—time with your niece.  It’s obvious from your letter how much you care about her and it’s maddening that a grown man would stand in the way of such a loving presence in his child’s life.

And yet this is exactly what this dad has done.

If we are to be the most charitable to him, I’d suggest that his grief and anger over losing his wife is still so strong that he is lashing out at the world.  Which may be understandable but is not acceptable at the expense of his daughter’s well-being.

He’s been rude to you, thwarted your attempts to see his daughter and alienated your family. It’s understandable that you have tremendous anger and resentment towards him.  If your niece were not involved, I would say “have at him! Let him know exactly what you think of him!”  I’d even stop by with a thesaurus in case you ran out of choice words.

But your niece is at the center of this, so we better hold off.  At least until her 18^th birthday.

So  how do we make sure that you and your parents spend time with your niece?  Let’s explore some options.

Although I know that you did not write in seeking legal advice, years of watching legal dramas on TV have taught me that it doesn’t hurt to check out your legal options.

Laws regarding family matters differ from state to state, but grandparents and aunts generally don’t have custodial rights or rights of visitation over the objection of a living parent.  Nevertheless, it makes sense to consult with a local family law attorney to see if there is any legal hook that you and your parents can rely on. Our legal system isn’t perfect, but the courts do try to look out for the “best interests of the child”, which may be useful in your situation.  If your sister left a Will, setting forth her wishes that her daughter continue to have contact with maternal relatives, it may further bolster your position; for even if you have no legal recourse, a reminder as to his late wife’s wishes may keep the father morally bound.

Outside of a full-fledged legal attack, your family should consider approaching the dad with your concerns. Is there a member of your family who would feel the most comfortable doing this, perhaps your dad?  Explain that you respect his position as the father, but that you’d like to spend some time with your niece. In a non-confrontational way (this may require you to earn the gold medal in tongue biting), inquire if there is a way to do this that would be convenient for everyone involved.

If the father is involved with the church, speak to the minister to see if he or she would be willing to mediate between your family and the dad so that the niece would not miss out on the relationship with her mother’s side of the family. Would there be church-based activities that would interest your niece that you or your parents could volunteer to oversee?

Speak to the father about what kind of plans your niece has for the summer.  That’s the time that we parents often scramble to fill in our kids’ days and he may be grateful if you offered to take your niece for an overnight or two. Hopefully, over time this could extend to vacations with your family, or with your parents.

Does the Tae Kwon Do school charge extra for door-to-door service? Perhaps you or your parents could pitch in with the driving.  Of course I’m not suggesting that chauffeuring  their granddaughter to and from martial arts events should be the extent of  your parents’ relationship with your niece, but it’s a start.

Does the Tae Kwon Do school have a time when relatives can come in and see how the kids are doing?  Mention to the dad that you’d love to come in and observe your niece and maybe take her out for dinner afterwards.

Do the dad and his new girlfriend go out to dinner and the movies by themselves?  Since the dad stopped calling you for babysitting, make the first move—email him and offer.  He may scoff at first, but the free babysitting offer is going to stick with him.

I’ve re-read your letter several times and I cannot point to a single mis-step that you or your parents have made in dealing with the dad.  And I think it’s really important that you consider to take the high road, so that when you start spending time with your niece again, do your best to continue not to speak in a derogatory manner about her father or his girlfriend. Although you certainly have plenty to be upset about, unloading on an 8 year old child will not help.

Let her know that you are there for her, if she wants to talk about anything, or even nothing, and leave it at that.  Do not try to make up for lost time by telling her about her mother, your suspicions that the girlfriend is trying to take your sister’s place or any other adult issue.  Let her be a child and enjoy the hopefully renewed family bonds.

If your niece is like many, many 8 year old girls, she will love spending time with her younger cousins.  And that relationship may organically lead to her requesting to spend more time with you and your parents.  As long as the message that she receives from you is positive—that you love her and value her and will not put her in the position of choosing between you and her father (and his girlfriend), it will lay the groundwork to developing a relationship that does not depend on her father.

Good luck to you. I hope that with time, your and your parents’ relationship with this girl will blossom and that she will grow to appreciate and treasure the connection that you offer to her mother.

*****
Thank you Marinka for your wise words. Again, you can follow Marinka’s advice over at The Mouthy Housewives.

Our guest contributor is the hilarious Marinka from Motherhood in NYC and The Mouthy Housewives

1. Schedule the Sleepover.
Determine what age your child is ready to have a sleepover. A good rule is to add 6 months to the date that the child first starts asking for a sleepover. Of course every child is different, but generally sleepovers start somewhere between the ages of 6 and 9. By this age, your child may already have had an opportunity to sleep over at the grandparents’ house, and will feel comfortable with being away from home. Needless to say if your child misbehaves at any point before the sleepover, threaten to cancel the sleepover as a behavior modification tool.

2. Invite Only One Child.
This is a sleepover, not a slumber party. (More on slumber parties when my nerves quiet from the last one that I hosted.) Your child will ask to invite more than one friend, but you must stand firm. I repeat, inviting more than one child over for the sleepover will mean that something very bad will happen and we will not be able to help you. You must become China in terms of population control at the sleepover. If your kid insists on two or more friends, your mantra is, “it’s either one or zero, your choice.”

3. Food and Entertainment.
If you live in the continental United States, the sleepover rules are: Guest comes over, pizza is served, free play time/countdown to the next snack, ice cream is served, time to watch a movie with popcorn. From the guest’s perspective, the point of the sleepover is free snacks, so be ready. Do not embarrass your child by serving sliced apples. And get rid of any hint of vegetables in advance of the visit. Do not serve anything with chocolate at least three hours before bedtime. Warm milk is a nice snack.

4. Handle the Fight with Finesse.
The chance that the kids will fight during the sleepover is 100%. They will be totally jazzed and emotions will be running high. If you see tears, offer to read them a nice story and suggest that perhaps they are ready to go to bed. Or, offer a new conciliatory snack.

5. Enforce Bedtime.
They will want to stay up until midnight. Tell them that bedtime is X. X equals whatever your child’s normal bedtime is, plus thirty minutes. They will protest. If they were in a middle of a fight, see #4 above, they will unite in their quest for a later bedtime. Concede. Tell them that they can stay up until X plus one hour, if they are in bed by X plus thirty minutes. Then, they can stay in bed in whisper quietly. You will have to remind them about the quietly at top volume. If they are not asleep an hour after your child’s normal bedtime (X plus one hour), tell them that if you need to come into the room again to tell them to be quiet, you will separate them. Sleepover separation is the fate that all children fear.

Have fun! And remember, the guest’s parents owe you one now.

By Marinka from Motherhood in NYC and The Mouthy Housewives

1. Rejoice!

A sleepover invitation! Your kid is about to embark on a lifelong adventure known as Sleeping At Other People’s Houses! You will have an evening to yourself! If you’re very lucky, the sleepover will be scheduled on a weekend to maximize your free time.

2. Prepare!

Make sure you pack a sleeping bag, a favorite pillow, and unable-to-sleep-without toy. Throw in the Bible, because how can it possibly hurt?

Unpack the pillow and the unable-to-sleep-without toy ten minutes later. Because your kid needs them to sleep with that very night.

3. Worry!

Wait a minute, how well do you know these people? Call the other parents to apologize, but you read an article about gun safety and could she please reassure you that they do not keep guns in the house? Oh, but they’re unloaded, right? Whew, what a relief. Haha, well, can’t be too careful, you know.

Repeat the phone calls as necessary with other concerns as they come up, such as Do you have bed bugs? And Where Do You Stand on Corporal Punishment? And what about High Fructose Corn Syrup in over-the-counter snacks? If for some reason your calls start going straight to voicemail, resort to email. Or perhaps a friendly yet unscheduled pre-sleepover visit to their home will give you the answers you need.

4. Re-Rejoice and Re-Prepare!

As the sleepover approaches, discuss What to Expect with your child. Let your kid know that you are a phone call away, but set some ground rules. Tell her that she can call you to check in and to say good night, but that if she calls you after a certain time (I recommend 11 pm), you will come to pick her up and take her home. This will avoid the “ok, I’ll try to sleep”-but-will-probably-call-you-in-five-to-eight-minutes” routine that loses its charm by the second phone call.

5. The Final Stretch

Drop off your kid! Start to rejoice! While waiting for your phone to ring.

Come back tomorrow when Marinka tackles How to Host a Sleepover.