This month we have three completely different books up for vote. And I know I seem to say this every month, but I am excited by all three books. They all seem like books that you will think about long after you are done reading.

1) Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brene Brown

I think most are familiar with Brene Brown and the TED talk that she gave in 2010 about The Power of Vulnerability. When I just looked it up to link to it over 9 million people had watched the talk! That is incredible and truly a testament to the power of her speech.

In this book, Brene Brown forces us to look at what it means to be vulnerable and to change what we think about vulnerability. Most of us have grown up associating vulnerability with weakness, but Brown argues that it is only by being our most vulnerable that we achieve the deepest human connections. I have been wanting to read Daring Greatly since last year when it was first published. I love reading books that push me to think outside of my comfort zone, perhaps a zone I didn’t even realize I was hiding in. I don’t know about everyone else, but I feel like I could use some deep thinking and soul searching before the kids get out of school next month.

2) The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson

I love books that give me concrete steps to take to reach an end result. This book is supposed to help parents nurture their children’s emotional intelligence. The Whole-Brain Child has received overwhelmingly good reviews from parents who say that it has helped them think about their child’s misbehavior in a new way, helped them teach their children to move past difficult situations and not get “stuck” in negative thought patterns. (Wish someone had taught me this as a child!)

3) Sticks and Stones: Defeating the Culture of Bullying and Rediscovering the Power of Character and Empathy by Emily Bazelon

We offered this book up as a choice in one of our earlier books clubs and we thought we would put it out here again. Bullying is in the news all the time. It seems so pervasive and social media has only escalated the bullying. As a mother of a child who spent one school year being bullied while the school did little to nothing, I am interested in reading this book. The author, Emily Bazelon, had a series of articles published in Slate that were the genesis of this book. The articles were both compelling and controversial and she weaves the story of Phoebe Prince, a girl who was bullied and later committed suicide, into Sticks and Stones.

Vote on which book you would like to read along with us.

Voting will be open until Friday, May 24th at 11:59pm EST. We’ll come back to discuss the winner on Weds, June 12th.

*******

Here are the discussions for our previous parenting book club picks: Minimalist Parenting (April), Kids Are Worth It! (Mar), Far From The Tree (Feb), NurtureShock (Jan), How To Talk So Kids Will Listen (Dec), Five Love Languages of Children (Nov).

As Mother’s Day approaches I have been thinking about what I have learned over the years about motherhood. Some are big lessons, some are small, some are still a work in progress. This is not an exhaustive list, by any means, just the first twenty-five that came to mind.  Feel free to tell me what you have learned in the comments.

1. Every holiday will bring a sick child.

2. Only mothers know the secret of stain removal. Remember this when you let your children wash their own clothes.

3. Band-aids with characters on them are infinitely better than the plain ones. But your child will use the entire box at once. For injuries that are not visible to the naked eye.

4. Speaking of injuries, never throw away crutches. In fact, collect them in every size now, before you need them. Same goes for other non-perishable items like: ice packs, ace bandages, socks, hair ties, pencils, and safety pins.  You will never have enough of these things.  Buy so many that you think, this is absurd!  This is a crazy amount! And then buy some more.

5. Your child can give Oscar-worthy performances every night at bedtime and during homework time. This is when you will hear about all the injustices that have been inflicted upon them that they did not deserve. To sum it all up, most of it will somehow be your fault. There really are only two things that you can do: ignore it or video it. I recommend the latter so that five years in the future when they don’t have any recollection of the nightly dramatics you can remind them. And hopefully laugh.

6. When walking through your child’s bedroom at night, shuffle your feet along the floor to avoid stepping directly on the Legos which will cripple you.

7. You will realize your own selfishness and been forced to overcome it. Except when it comes to junk food, then you will hide and eat it in the closet. You are doing the children a favor by not allowing them to have such awful food, remember that. You are doing it FOR THE CHILDREN.

8. Related, you will one day give your child a baggie full of dry cereal to eat for breakfast as they run out the door to the bus stop, until that day happens you will be silently judging the other mothers whose kids you have seen clutching baggies of Froot Loops at the bus stop. You could stop that judging now, but why bother, you may as well bask in that feeling of superiority now while you can. I assure you, it will be short-lived.

9. Patience isn’t always something you feel, it is something you show. Sometimes that means you fake it. This is a good time to practice that Lamaze breathing that did nothing for you during labor.

10. Your children will want to “DO IT MYSELF!!” That is until they are capable of doing it themselves. Then they don’t want to. If only the Cozy Coupe car could be converted to a lawn mower. Three-year olds love to sweep and vacuum, so for a couple years you will have an area in your home that is approximately 3ft by 3ft that is extraordinarily clean.

11. There is no better way to feel old and haggard than to take a close up photo of your face pressed cheek to cheek with your child. Do it anyway, because ten years from now you will wish you still looked that “old” and “haggard.”

12. You will learn to listen. This wasn’t a skill that came easily to me as a young mother. I would frequently interrupt my children. Now that I have almost grown children who I wish would talk to me more, I really stop and listen every time the opportunity presents itself.  As an added bonus, once your children are older teenagers you will have ample opportunities to practice your poker face while you listen to them.  I could make a fortune in Vegas.

13. It’s okay to embarrass you children as long as it’s about you, and not them. It is not okay to talk about how they wet bed until they were ten. It is okay, however, to turn up the radio and sing along to 80′s music while their friends are in the car.

14. You will discover that the small everyday events, the quiet moments, the cuddles in bed while reading, those matter more than the big things. While the big vacations are nice and memorable, the small things form the foundation of their lives. My kids rarely talk about Disney World, but they remember the treasure hunts through the house to find their birthday presents, being picked up from school early as a surprise to go to the movie theater, and I hope my daughter remembers all the times she has made me braid her hair into a million braids so it will be “curly” in the morning.

15. You will discover that no matter how old they are, their gender, how close in age they might be, your children are distinct individuals. And you will realize that treating them fairly does not always mean treating them equally. This is especially true when you have a child who has needs greater than the other children in the family, whether the special needs are because of a physical disability or a mental illness. The sooner you stop trying to treat everyone equally, the happier everyone will be.

16. Pick your battles, and let go of the rest. There are so many battles that if you try to fight them all you will grow weary. Stick with the ones that matter the most. And the longer you parent, the shorter the list of battles you are willing to wage will become. Motherhood would be easier if you just trimmed the list down at the beginning.

17. Murphy’s Law Will Prevail: Wash the sheets, someone wets the bed. Get the car detailed, someone gets carsick. Wear a white shirt, your child is going to get hurt and bleed on your shoulder when you pick him up. They grow out of expensive shoes faster than the cheap ones. Thinking of buying those non-refundable season ski passes for the family, you have just guaranteed a snowless winter.

18. You will learn to be a Mother by being a mother. Sure, reading books and magazines can help you formulate ideas and strategies for how to be a more effective parent, but at the end of the day you are the expert of your own children.

19. You will stop worrying about your children when you die. When they were newborns I worried about feeding them, would they stop breathing in the middle of the night, was the car seat the right one. Now I worry about their relationships, how safely they drive, are they going to pass AP English–things over which I have zero control. The worry is still there, it just takes a different form.

20. Look before you sit down on the toilet. Boys can not aim. And neither boys or girls know how to replace the toilet paper. Drip dry should only be used in regard to delicate laundry.

21. Children are really good at sharing things you don’t want shared. Things like colds, illnesses, and what really happened to that vase your aunt gave you as a present. You will want to remember this before speculating out loud on the career of your 60-year old neighbor’s 22-year old girlfriend with the bleached blonde hair and fake boobs.

22. Child time moves much more slowly than adult time. When planning how long something is going to take multiply how long you think it should take by three. Per child.

23. Your children will find beauty in places you haven’t noticed and in things that have become mundane to you. Whether it is the weeds in the garden, the graffiti on the side of a building, or the way the sunlight streams through the clouds. Seeing things through their eyes can change your perspective.

24. Before showing off some trick you used to be able to do when you were younger, like jumping your bike off a ramp or rollerskating, test whether you can still do it, in private. Trust me. My kids are still laughing about the Great Cartwheel Incident of ’09.

25. The cards your children make you for Mother’s Day will mean more to you than any present that could be bought. Especially the ones where a portrait of you is drawn on the front.

Happy Mother’s Day! Tell me what lessons have you learned from motherhood?

Our parenting book choice this month is “Minimalist Parenting: Enjoy Modern Family Life More by Doing Less.”

I was intrigued by the title. This was a book that I would have gravitated toward in the bookstore even if I did not know the authors, Christine Koh and Asha Dornfest. Because, hey, I like to do less and wouldn’t we all like to enjoy our lives more? But what exactly do the authors mean by minimalist parenting, was a question that I wondered. Do they advocate living like Tibetan monks? Eschewing possessions and leaving our children to play with sticks? Does it mean letting your kids run wild with minimal parental interference? Is it hands-off parenting?

Turns out it was none of those things.  I read the book and discovered that I am a minimalist parent and I didn’t even know it.

What is Minimalist Parenting?

Many years ago I had been telling my mother-in-law about some angst-filled parenting decision that was on my mind. I can’t even remember now what it was that was causing me that much stress. But I do remember what my mother-in-law said to me. She said she thought it was easier to be a parent back when she was raising her children. That there weren’t so many choices or ways to question your own instincts. I think there is a lot of truth to that. When you have so many different choices, so many different voices telling you the right way to do something, it is easy to become overwhelmed and paralyzed by the feeling that you will never be able to make the right choice. I think minimalist parenting is about looking at all your various parenting choices and realizing that at the end of the day most of them are not as life-altering as you believe in the moment.

Asha and Christine write, “The obstacle standing between you and a happier, less overwhelming version of your family life isn’t something you’re doing wrong. It’s that you’re wrestling with abundance–too many choices, too many obligations, too much stuff, and too much guilt about trying to do it all.”

Minimalist Parenting promises to “show you how to minimalize your family life–how to edit your schedule, possessions, and expectations so there’s more of what you love and care about and less of what you don’t.” Through the many examples and strategies I was able to fully understand what they meant by minimalist parenting. I loved the personal anecdotes sprinkled throughout the book. It made what they are writing feel real and personal and gave you the ability to connect to real-life examples.

I have loved both of Asha’s and Christine’s websites for years, but even so this book gave me the words to explain why what I was already doing felt right for our family and helped me let go of some of the guilt. I think most of us parents have areas where we feel guilty, and they are always the ones where we are the most unsure of ourselves as parents.

Family Scheduling

I have one friend who schedules her children’s every waking moment, her children really do not have any downtime. And that is fine for their family. But often times I talk to her and feel that pang of guilt that my children aren’t going to spend a week at ceramics camp or cake decorating camp. I have learned that I need to not take my friends parenting their children differently as a personal attack on the way I parent my kids.  Let’s agree to take the word should out of our vocabulary when talking to anyone about their parenting.

I loved how both authors put in personal stories about how they arrived at the parenting path they are on. I enjoyed reading about the “mistakes” they made along the way. Christine writes in one chapter about over-scheduling her daughter’s summer vacation with camps that should have been fun, but turned out not to be a good fit. We have had the same thing happen, when I listened to the shoulds of other parents and didn’t remember what works for our family.

Education

I think whenever you read parenting books, the chapters that apply to what is going on in your life are the ones that resonate with you the most. While reading the chapter on Education there were several times that I put the book down in my lap and thought for awhile. My family has gone from homeschool to public school to private school. Transitioning from one of these to the next was never an easy decision. Reading this chapter enabled me to truly assess my educational priorities so that I could articulate why moving away from public school was the right decision for my kids. And I think that the authors are right that there are good points and bad points about every school, the key to being happy is a school where the scale tips to good points. But these things are often very different for each family, and each child within a family.

Vacations

Again, this struck a cord with me. Maybe because I envision long, leisurely vacations with my family, but the reality is that these don’t happen. I remember when I was in the fifth grade, my mother took me on a week long trip to the Bahamas. My favorite part of the experience? Room service! I have discovered that the same holds true for my kids. They don’t need elaborate vacations to have fond memories. They love the “free” continental breakfast that many hotels offer, you’d think it was a five-star restaurant they way they go on and on about the waffle maker that you flip over to cook your own waffles. When I returned with my daughter from an two day trip out of town, she couldn’t wait to tell her brothers the highlight of her trip…how we watched TV in bed!

Guilt

This book lays out a framework for you to make decisions about your parenting that feel right for your family. It gives you permission to let go of the guilt. And it shows you how having less, is actually having more of what matters for your family.

Discussion Questions

* How did you feel about the guidelines laid out in
Minimalist Parenting?
* Did it open your eyes up to ways that you can “have less” in your life?  Were you already following the principles, but didn’t have a clear picture of your parenting style?
* Do you think that this minimalist style of parenting is a throw back to the way people used to parent their children before we were “wrestling with abundance”?
* Have you resolved to make some changes in your family life?

When I was young I used to spend the long summer days with my Aunt. I tried summer camps for a few years, but they were not my thing: the bugs, the heat, the humiliating games of Red Rover and Dodgeball. I much preferred the quiet house of my Aunt, where I could spend as much time as I wanted reading under a giant tree in the back yard and rollerskating down the sidewalk. In the afternoons, I would sit with my Aunt in the living room watching As the World Turns. I can still feel the old leather recliner where I would sit, it smelled like sweet pipe smoke and Old Spice. It was during those hours that she taught me how to needlepoint and embroider. She would always have a giant tapestry she was working on spread across her lap. I worked on smaller pieces.

Invariably I would make a mistake, sometimes it would be too late to fix it and I would just have to live with it there. My Aunt used to say that those mistakes gave the needlepoint some character, just like people, nothin’ is perfect. She would hold up the tapestry and have me look from across the room and she was right, the flaws couldn’t be seen. But they would bother me and I would point out the flaws to everyone when they would say what a great job I had done.

*****

Monday morning my 18 year old son was sitting across the breakfast table from me, drinking a cup of coffee, when he casually mentioned that the night before at 2:30am his ex girlfriend had called him from a car accident in which she had been involved. She was trapped in the car, panicking, and couldn’t get in touch with her mother. So he got up out of bed and went to help her, all the while the rest of us slept in our beds, completely unaware.

Knowing how their relationship had ended (badly) and how she had treated him (badly) I expressed my surprise that she called him.

“She knew I would help her, Mom.”
“I’m glad that you two are friends now. She is lucky to have you.”
“Mom, she doesn’t have me. We aren’t even friends anymore. She just knew she could count on me.”  He shrugged his shoulders.
“I’m proud that you are that type of person, my son, the person that helps people. The person who can be counted on. I’m really proud of you.”
“Eh, I’d do it for anyone. How can you not help someone when they need you? It’s not a big deal”

(I would find out later that the first person she had called when trapped in that car was the boy she is currently dating. He wouldn’t come to help her.)

With that my son grabbed his coffee cup and went upstairs to get ready for school. He would take a too long shower, leave the wet towel balled up on the bathroom floor, the coffee cup would sit on his bedside table- a ring forming on the wood beneath it, the light in his room left on, a flash of dimples as he asked if I had any “spare cash for gas.”  I didn’t nag about any of those things that Monday morning.

In the big picture, what is important?

I did feel a pang in my heart that he didn’t wake me when he got the phone call in the middle of the night.  I am not sure I can even articulate the genesis of the particular pang.  He is an adult.  He handled the situation perfectly and compassionately.  That is what he has been raised to do. To be able to navigate the world on his own.  And yet….

Later that afternoon, the Boston bombing happened. What I saw through the chaos were people running toward the bombing, toward the people in need. I thought of Mr. Rogers who said, “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’” That is comforting to our children, and to us, that in this world the good still outshines the bad. Even in the middle of unimaginable horror.

This time as I watched I thought, Don’t just look for the helpers, be the helpers. Be the helpers.

*****

When you are parenting and your children grow into teenagers and young adults, there is a tendency, at least for me, to focus on all the things upon which they can improve. They could study more. They could be less sassy. They could clean their room better. They could take out the garbage, put gas in the car, have more patience with a younger sibling. It is easy to get caught up in the small flaws. A lot of time is spent wondering how to help them “fix” a certain character flaw. I wonder if I have handled things the right way. Have I been strict enough? Have I been kind enough? Have I been patient enough? Is my child going to end up on an episode of Hoarders?

I looked at my son Monday morning and realized he has a life of his own, one that is completely separate from me. This isn’t the first time I have had this thought, of course, but it hit me that our family is a touchstone for him now.  I only know what he chooses to share about his personal life. My relationship with him is now more of as an advisor, a kind shoulder, a listening ear. Gone are the days of really teaching him, though I think most of our children’s character is caught, not taught. They learn how to react and interact in the world by watching us.

If we want to raise helpers, we have to be helpers.

******

For almost 19 years I have been working on a tapestry. The hours I have spent working on it cannot be counted. I have worked on it with unmitigated joy and other times I have soaked it with my tears. It has been done a long time, save small finishing touches here and there, but mostly I have held this tapestry on my lap agonizing over the small flaws. Things I could have done better. Wondering how to fix any of a number of small missed stitches. Holding it close to me, I lost sight of the big picture. Monday morning the tapestry was lifted from my lap and I viewed my life’s work from the distance for the first time. It was breathtaking.

All I could see was the beauty of its entirety, flawed but perfect in all the right ways. I have never been more proud.

My nine year old daughter is a perfectionist.

This past six week marking period at school she got her first ever B. And didn’t make the “A Honor Roll.” She made the “AB Honor Roll” and had a little certificate to bring home that said AB Honor Roll on it. She tore it up and made a new certificate that was identical except said A Honor Roll, and then hung it up on the fridge.

When I called her out on the fake honor roll certificate, she stomped up to her room and slammed the door. There was a lot of crying.  She pulled up her grades on the school’s website to dissect every single thing she had done in the class for the past six weeks. And right there she saw, the one non-A grade that pulled her average down.  I think most kids would see that one grade as an unfortunate anomaly on an otherwise perfect record.  She saw it as a black mark that completely obliterated every other grade.  She fell onto the couch, face down, “I am just so dumb!”

It hadn’t occurred to me before this that perhaps being a perfectionist had a negative side. It’s hard to find anything negative about someone who works very hard to get good grades, has never been in trouble in school, serves on the student council, never misses a volunteer opportunity at the nursing home, and is a nationally-ranked athlete. She seems happy, previous example aside, and is entirely self-motivated. If I could bottle her drive, I would make a fortune selling it to the parents of teenagers who are in the spring semester of their senior year.

She worries about things that she needn’t worry about.  The what if’s rattle around in her head.  What if I fall during a competition? What if I forget my words during a speech? What if I don’t get a good grade? What if, what if, what if….

I know from experience that telling her not to worry doesn’t help. Or telling her that she will do fine doesn’t help, because then her mind goes to the but what if I don’t? I always try to remain positive and say things like As long as you worked hard and tried your best, that is what matters.  So far, it has done nothing to change her mindset.

And so my default response now when she says something like, “But what if I fail?” is to answer, “What is the worst that can happen?”
“I don’t know! What if I do?”
“What is the worst thing that can happen?”
“I won’t get a 100!”
“And what’s the worst that can happen if you don’t get a 100?”
“I won’t get an A.”
“And what’s the worst that can happen if you don’t get an A?”

It will go on and on, usually she will laugh and get the point before we get to “What’s the worst that can happen if you are homeless living in a cardboard box?”  There have been times it has gone that far, where she truly believes that every small misstep will result in some huge failure down the line, but usually she is able to stop herself before we get to that point. She holds herself to very high standards and almost always meets them, however what happens when she experiences a “failure” is what concerns me.  The tears and the drama while learning to do a back handspring, for example. She cried every single day with frustration until she finally was able to do one well.

It is a double-edged sword, because on the one hand I am constantly telling several of her brothers to apply themselves at their schoolwork, that their grades matter, that they are throwing away their brains. I mean all of those things when I say it to them. But somehow my daughter has taken all the words I direct to the boys and internalized them in a different way. It makes me want to throw my hands up and say, “They are just grades!” (Meanwhile, I silently throw daggers at her brothers, over her head, to drive the point home to them that I am NOT TALKING ABOUT THEM AND THEIR GRADES!)

There is a difference in my mind between a child in elementary school and a high-schooler who is just barely passing a class and saying, “Duuuude, a C is passing.  Everyone else’s parents are glad they are passing.”   Because you know what happens when your high-schooler says those words to you?  You turn into your own parents, that’s what happens.  Suddenly the words, “I don’t care about everyone else!” come flying out of your mouth faster than your brain can register what your mouth is saying.

I was discussing this with a friend who pointed out to me that maybe she isn’t a perfectionist, she is disciplined.  It is true that my daughter works hard at things she wants to be good at. I love that about her–that she is willing to try new things and she will practice and practice until she is successful at them. I guess my wish really is that she didn’t beat herself up when she doesn’t do well on something, because inevitably that’s what happens in life. I wish that for her, the process of learning something new wasn’t so fraught with anxiety.  To her there is no grey area, no pretty good, no great, it is either perfect or a failure.

Being a perfectionist and being disciplined seem to be tightly intertwined.

I have told my daughter that it is okay not to be perfect.
She looks at me, “But why would I want to be less than perfect?”

I don’t have an answer for that.

Has anyone else dealt with this?  Do you think that there is something that could be done to stop children from being perfectionists? Or, is it something we should even want to change? Can we change it or is it just a part of their personality?

Our book club book for this month is Minimalist Parenting: Enjoy Modern Family Life More by Doing Less by Christine Koh and Asha Dornfest.

No, you didn’t miss the book poll!

I have been looking forward to this book being published for some time now. Having known Asha and Christine for years, we really wanted this book to be a part of our parenting book club. In the interest of complete disclosure, Isabel has a blurb of advance praise at the beginning of the book.

I felt that putting it up for a vote while hoping that this particular book won wasn’t really fair. Combined with being especially delayed with our book club schedule, we’re making a special exception this month. Do not worry, next month we will be back to our regularly scheduled polls. That is one of my favorite things about this book club, that we all get to have a voice.

Christine runs Boston Mamas and Asha runs Parent Hacks, a very popular blog for parents with “smart tips that help simplify family life, save money, and have fun.” Love their blogs, and if you haven’t visited them you are missing out.

The book promises to be more of the same–helping all of us simplify our lives so that we can enjoy our lives more. I think that I have a fairly simple family life, as much as a family with seven kids can be simple. But I will admit that I sometimes can get caught up in mistaking being busy for being productive.

So go grab this book and we will meet back here to discuss it beginning April 23!

In the meantime, we’re having a conversation about Kids Are Worth It!, a book that really resonated with me. And, I have read a lot of parenting books!

The way to get your kids to behave is to give them the gift of self-discipline. But exactly how do you do that? That is what author Barbara Coloroso outlines in her book, Kids Are Worth It!: Giving Your Child The Gift Of Inner Discipline

Kids Are Worth It! Overview

This is a really great book. I have read quite a lot of parenting books and I am not sure that any have resonated with me as much as this book did and in the way that it did. This book held a mirror to the way that I was parenting, the consequences of how I was parenting, and I did not like what I saw. Kids Are Worth It! author, Barbara Coloroso, asks the question, “Is my goal in parenting to influence and empower my children or to control them and make them mind?”

Parenting Styles

Coloroso divides parenting styles into three main types. 1) Brick-Wall: “Do it my way, or else!” 2) Jellyfish: those parents who are inconsistent and rarely enforce house rules, and 3) Backbone: firm, flexible and respectful parenting.

At first I read this and thought, ‘Of course I am a Backbone Parent! I’m not overly strict and I’m not a pushover!’ I gave myself a pat on the back for being so awesome! Sadly, the more I read through the book and read her examples of situations with children and how each type of parent would react, I saw myself for what I really am. It was such a shocking realization that I had to put the down for a few days and come back to it. During those days I really heard the words coming out of my mouth for the first time and thought about my parenting style and what I wanted for my relationship with my children.

Brick-Wall versus Jellyfish Parent

I have often said that I am slow to anger, however, once I get there watch out! In dealing with the outside world this is a pretty good trait, but at home it isn’t. I realized that it isn’t so much that I am easy-going, as I had led myself to believe, as I do not like conflict. So I will ignore, pacify, ignore some more until I explode over something that all by itself is very minor. So a typical Jellyfish A Parent, which the author says is often a result of being raised in a Brick-Wall Family. Though I don’t identify with all (most?) of the descriptions of the Jellyfish Parent, I think it probably sums up my overall attitude. And whoa boy, that is hard to admit that you think you are doing one thing, but then realize you are parenting in a completely opposite way. Also hard to admit, I identified with a lot of the Brick-Wall Parenting when it came to my teenagers, probably because I was being a Jellyfish until I became the Brick-Wall. I do think, however, that most of us probably fall across the categories depending on what the situation is.

What I loved the most about this book was that Coloroso would give a parenting scenario or challenge. And invite you to consider how you would react. Then she would write what each of the type of parents would do. This style of writing means that you already considered what your reaction would be before you read how wrong you were.

On Bribes, Threats, Rewards & Punishments

In Chapter 4, “Children can not thrive on bribes, threats, rewards, and punishments. If you need to get rid of these tools in your parenting toolbox, you will need something to take their place.” This spoke to me. I don’t use bribes, threats, or rewards (or at least I didn’t think I did. Turns out they are a lot more nuanced than I believed) but I have nothing that takes their place.

“Some parents nag with finesse every morning, (‘Hurry up you are going to be late, don’t forget your gym sneakers. Do you have your library books? Where’s your coat? Can’t you remember anything?’). Kid goes off to school in great shape and parent is bordering on a coronary. Was Coloroso looking in my window when she wrote this? Because this sounds an awful lot like me. She offers really good suggestions on how to turn the conversation around and stop being the nag that you don’t want to be by offering instead a comment that provides basic instruction. In the previous case something along the lines of, “Check your list so you are sure you have everything before you leave the house.”

Punishment is an external force holding children accountable for their actions. Discipline “is a process that gives life to learning; it is restorative; it invites reconciliation.” Discipline involves real world consequences. These consequences are learned without nagging, reminding, or warning from the parent. Coloroso says, “If the natural consequences are not life-threatening, morally threatening, or unhealthy, it is good to let the child experience them, without warnings or reminders.” This is the one area that I am okay in. I have never even used the word punish with my children. My daughter loves to wear shorts, year round. Granted we live in Texas and it is fairly warm all year, but definitely not shorts weather when it is 40 degrees. I refuse to argue about things like this though. Usually I will say that she should check the weather before she gets dressed, but she will usually still chose shorts. She says she isn’t cold, so why does it matter? A mother of one of my daughter’s friends asked me why she was wearing shorts all the time. When I explained that it was my daughter’s choice what to wear and that she was happy wearing shorts, the woman said she would never allow her daughter to do that, because what would everyone else think? That was a pretty telling statement about how this family believes children should be treated. It also caused me to reflect on some of my own parenting choices and whether they were motivated by other people and not what was in my heart.

Just the Right Words

Throughout the book, Coloroso has quotes from other authors, philosophers, parenting experts, and religious leaders. In the beginning I found them a distraction, but as the book went on many of them summed up perfectly the message she was trying to convey:

Building a conscience is what discipline is all about. The goal is for a youngster to end up believing in decency, and acting-whether anyone is watching or not-in helpful and kind and generous and thoughtful ways. -James L. Hymes, Jr.

Discipline takes time. It isn’t easy. It isn’t a quick fix.

Alternatives To No

The chapter on the Alternatives to No was one of my favorites out of the entire book. Instead of saying No, Coloroso suggests three things:

1) Yes, later.
2) Give me a minute
3) Convince me

She says the No should be saved for the really big and important things. I use number two frequently, but number one had never occurred to me. That simply changing the way that you say something has an impact.

More Common Parenting Mistakes

She then outlines other areas that trip us up as parents, where we think we are being supportive or helpful, but are not:

- The mini-lecture! (Hi, I do this!)
- Asking questions that get us nowhere fast. (Hello, I do this, too!)
- Empty threats (I am queen of this with my younger children and they all know it.)
- Ultimatums (sometimes, yes, I do this, though I did not recognize it as such until I read the book.)
- Put-downs (Phew, thankfully something I don’t do!)
- Be Careful! (I do this all the time. I thought I was being loving and caring. Whoops!)

In the introduction of Kids Are Worth It!, Barbara Coloroso admits that she is not a perfect parent with perfect children. Something I found refreshing. She says her own children would ask her why she didn’t handle certain situations the way she was instructing other people to do. She writes, “The following pages are things I do, have done, would have done, wished I had done, and plan to do the next time.” And it was in that spirit that I read this book. What can I, as a parent, strive to do the next time? The past is the past. I can, however, move on and use the new tools in my toolbox instead of reaching for the old trusty ones that didn’t work so well.

You did what you did then, now you know better, you do better. -Maya Angelou

Final Thoughts on Kids Are Worth It!

There is just so much in this book that I could go on and on. Mine is filled with sticky tabs highlighting things that caused me to pause and consider my parenting. It will be one of the books that I refer to over and over again when I am facing an issue with my children.

Discussion Time

1. What did you think of this book?
2. Did you find it as enlightening as I did?
3. Did you feel overwhelmed by all the things you thought you were doing right, but really are not?

We have all heard the saying, If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. It’s true. But the converse is true also, if the whole family isn’t happy, neither is momma.

There was definitely a time in my life as a mother, where I let dailiness of life got in the way of being happy. What I mean by that is that I didn’t take the time to enjoy the moment, I was always thinking about the next moment, or the sink of dishes, or the laundry that needed washing…. it seemed that there was always something that was distracting me from truly being happy in the moment. I looked forward to the next year, when the kids would be walking or or finally talking, or able to buckle themselves in the car…. I thought that these small things would make life easier and in turn make me happier. When I was a young mother just out of college and money was extremely tight, I thought that if I only had more money I wouldn’t be stressed and I would therefore be happier. What I discovered, however, was that once money was no longer an issue I found other things to steal my joy. I realized that most of the things that annoyed me the most as a young mother, really did not matter.

And so I made a conscious effort to figure out what would make me the happiest. What things gave me the most bang for my buck, so to speak. And the rest I just let go. Is there a way to just be happier?  Or is the real secret to stop making yourself crazy with the things that don’t matter?

What can you do to cultivate more joy and happiness into your life? I have found that it is the small things that matter the most.

Be kind.

It is the one rule that we have at our house. And more than a rule it is a guiding principle by which I want my family to live their lives. It covers almost everything. Be kind to everyone, and kinder still to those who least deserve it. And most of all be kind to yourself.  It sounds cliche, but the more kindness you put out into the world, the more kindness that comes back to you.  Karma isn’t just about negative things or as I heard someone say recently, karma is only a bitch if you are.

Compliment your children.

Find something every day to praise them about. Some days it might be something small and insignificant that you really have to search to find.  One day last week one of my teenagers had been getting on every last nerve I had. He was in the kitchen making himself a snack and I went in there and said, “You are so good at making chocolate milk.” He looked at me sideways, “Are you being sarcastic?” I assured him I was not. He makes himself chocolate milk all the time and his younger siblings always ask him to make them a glass too. He laughed. But what this exchange did was take the obnoxious wind out of his sails. Sometimes we all need that. I have noticed that my children have learned this example and when I am feeling stressed or annoyed they will often compliment me on something random or say something nice. It never fails to change my mood.

Look at the big picture.

This morning my 8yr old was having a tantrum about a pair of athletic shorts he wanted to wear to school. I had told him to change out of them because they are old, a little ratty, and on the small side. However, he was hell bent and determined to wear them to school. I began to argue with him about it and then thought, why do I care? One of my older kids witnessed the entire thing, looked at me and said, “I can’t believe you are giving in to him because he was throwing a fit!” And I told him, “I didn’t give in, I changed my mind because it really doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t have started the battle to begin with.”

That is the lesson here, I used to get hung up on things like this frequently when my kids were younger. I didn’t want them to think they could walk all over me, so I would stand my ground. There is a time and a place to stand your ground, but there is definitely a time and a place to let it go. I chose to have a more peaceful morning and that made everyone in the house happier.

Make time to do things for yourself.

What do you like to do? Well, go do it!

Have fun with your kids.

Be silly. Laugh at their fart jokes. Text your older kids ridiculous pictures of videos you find on the Internet. Include them in the absurdities of your day. My older teens love when I try to make them laugh by pretending I’m cool.

Let It go.

Whatever “it” is. A perfectly clean house, color coordinated kid clothing, whatever your “it” is that causes stress, let it go. Personally I love to clean. I find it relaxing. However, you will never see beautiful flower pots on my front porch, well with live flowers in them anyway, nor will my children ever have ironed clothes. And you know what? That is okay. Just as it is okay that my teenagers want to live in bedrooms that look like an episode of Hoarders. That is why God invented bedroom doors so mother’s won’t have to look at all the clothes piled on the floor.

A funny aside, yesterday one of my sons forgot his track uniform at home. He called me in the middle of the day to ask if I could bring it to him. And as I was about to hang up he asked, “Don’t you want to know where it is?” And I answered, “Is it somewhere other than the floor?”

I let the messy bedrooms go. I used to yell at my kids to clean them up. I would go in and clean them myself. But now I figure as long as there is no food, or wrappers, or actual garbage strewn around, that if they want to keep their clothing in a rumpled mess on the floor why do I care?

Don’t overdo it!

I have one friend who schedules her children so that every single free moment of every day is filled. It is exhausting just talking to her about all her children’s activities. But sometimes I fall into the trap of listening to her and feeling as if I’m depriving my kids. I’m not. And I almost always regret signing up for so many things. I am a homebody. My kids are too, for the most part. One activity per season is enough for them and for me.

Don’t be a martyr.

If you need help, ask for help. If you have to pay for help, do it. I have a lawn and yard service (see the above about letting it go.)

Clean the kitchen sink.

I remember when I first got onto the Internet I was introduced to the Flylady. She sent daily emails about cleaning and keeping your house organized. One of the big things that she said was to make sure you clean your kitchen sink every night. That little bit of advice resonated with me and has stuck with me for all these years. If I wake up to a messy house in the morning it annoys me and sets the tone for the rest of my day. I wish this weren’t the case, but it is. I think the kitchen sink is a metaphor for whatever drives you nuts. Figure out what your “kitchen sink” is and make it a habit to just do it.

Get dressed every morning.

It doesn’t have to be anything fancy. Just clothes, hair brushed, etc. That way as I progress with my day it isn’t hanging over me. And when unexpected guests come to the door I’m not hiding or running to find a bra.

Be spontaneous.

Instead of planning things all the time I like to surprise my kids. Pick them up at school and take them to the movies on a school night. Roast marshmallows. Eat breakfast cereal for dinner. Tell them to call some of their friends and invite them over for a pizza party and movie, for no reason. Right at bedtime when everyone is in their PJs tell them to get in the car and bring them out for an ice cream cone. Have a nighttime picnic and try to find constellations. Play flashlight tag. I prefer to do all these things spontaneously because when we try to plan things in advance many times life will get in the way. The best memories that I have of my childhood are those where we did something on the spur of the moment.  That is probably because there were no expectations in advance.  It simply was the moment that it was.

Plan meals in advance.

Oh how I hate this one. (See spontaneous breakfast cereal dinner above.) I don’t enjoy cooking, but I have found if I plan in advance and know what’s for dinner that I don’t get as stressed at dinner time. There is nothing worse than having hungry kids and peering into the pantry and realizing you don’t have most of the ingredients you need. This causes a lot of stress for me because I am not one of those people who can just whip something up out of random ingredients.

Ask your kids what they want to do.

You might be surprised. We just had spring break and on the first day I was already hearing complaining about boredom. So I had my daughter make a list of things she wanted to do. Her list included things like: jump on the trampoline with the sprinkler on, go to the dollar movie theater, have an ice cream sundae for dinner WITH whipped cream, fly a kite, make smores. There was no reason we couldn’t do these things. They were all completely reasonable and inexpensive.  Sunday night before school started my daughter declared that Spring break 2013 was a success.  Fistbumps all around.

Limit your exposure to the news.

The world is not full of as much evil as the news would have you believe. There is no reason that you have to know every last bit of horror that happens in the world. I am content not knowing most of it, or at the very least not knowing all the gory details of every horrific news item.

Spend time being present with your kids.

I put my phone and computer away when my kids get home from school. It is far too easy to become distracted. I would much rather interact with my kids and hear about their day than read twitter. My younger kids still like to tell me about their days in minute detail. Soon they won’t and so I savor these talks while I can.

Exercise.

I used to hate it, but now I find it enjoyable. And I find being able to fit into my shorts, while still enjoying nachos, makes me happy. I have one son who loves all things physical. A few years ago when he found out that there were people who were physical trainers, his eyes lit up and he said, “You mean to tell me there are people who get to work out all day and get PAID for it? Why doesn’t everyone do that job?” I didn’t want to spoil his moment and tell him that some of us, ahem, would find that job the very definition of hell! This son goes to the gym with me and his excitement in contagious.

Don’t compare your inside to everyone else’s outside.

None of us have it all together. It’s just an illusion.

What do you do to be a happier parent and have happier kids? Do you think that there is some sort of secret to being happy every day, or do you think it is a daily choice?

Top Photo: temporary tattoo available at Tattly

This post is sponsored by GLAD®. Small changes can make a big difference.

Having a child born on Leap Day makes celebrating his birthday interesting.

(The banner says Happy UN-Birthday. I made it myself with black construction paper, package string, and letters I typed in Word and printed. Is it perfect? No, nothing in life is, but it did impress by son who felt special because I spent that amount of time making something just for his birthday. Remember the Five Love Languages? This demonstrates his right here: Acts of Service.)

On the years he actually has a birthday we have a lot of fun and probably tend to go overboard. But it’s just so much fun! Last year, when he had his “fourth” birthday on February 29, I made him a t-shirt that said “I’m four!” I printed out a checklist, the sort your pediatrician gives you, that covered all the milestones your child should have met by their fourth birthday. My son, who has been alive for 17 years now, has a great sense of humor and enjoys gently poking fun at himself.

We have always been pretty low key about celebrating birthdays. The best thing about having a large family (remember, I have seven kids) is that you are your own party. Invite a couple friends over and BAM! instant big bash. Since we have many parties: birthdays and other celebrations, throughout the year, I am very conscious of the amount of waste that a party can generate. So, when I was approached to host a “One Bag Party” by GLAD®– where we only have one bag of waste at the end– I knew we could live up to it. This is how we always do parties at my house.

I like to set up stations, or areas, where everything you need it right there: taco station, s’mores station, hot chocolate station, drink station, dessert station.

Tacos are always the perfect food for any teenage get-together. I haven’t met a teenager who doesn’t like tacos and everyone can make their own.

I never use paper plates or plastic cups. (Well, in the interest of honesty, I made an exception when I had my son’s entire Varsity football team over for dinner, because the thought of so many hungry, giant young men in my house was a little bit stressful. It turned out to be so much fun.)

When having a party, hang your garbage bag in an easily accessible spot. You don’t want guests to have to go searching for the garbage can.

If you are having a large party and think buying paper products are cheaper than buying plates and glasses that are reusable, you aren’t shopping in the right places.

These glasses came in a box of 4 for $4. I bought 3 boxes of them to recreate a recipe I saw online. Most of the kids didn’t want them, but you know what I say? “More for me!” They held up in the fridge nicely over the weekend. I thought maybe the guacamole would turn brown, but it didn’t. The kids want me to use the glasses to make layered pudding next.

I also find it is easiest to stick with white plates. That way everything always matches each other no matter how far apart you purchase the items. Sometimes the parties are larger than the amount of reusable items that you can store in your home. However, it is still less expensive than renting the items. I have hit my local IKEA and dollar store for glasses, mugs, stemware and then after the party donated the items to a local charity that serves women and children. This benefits everyone: the people who receive the items, the environment, and you, since it can be counted as a charitable deduction.

One party that we had in the summer I bought glasses at the dollar store which were perfect for root beer floats we wanted to serve. I washed them out and sent the guest kids home with the glass they had used. Perfect and inexpensive item to add to party favors.

I try to buy timeless party decorations, things that I will reuse over and over again. Instead of buying streamers, I bought some outdoor lights to hang up on the patio. They are fun and festive and we will enjoy them all year long. Isn’t the turquoise solar lantern adorable? Shortly after the party, my daughter stole it off the patio to hang in her bedroom. I may have to get more for the patio, they would make every day a little more festive.

One of the things my kids have missed since we moved from Connecticut to Texas is bonfires in the backyard. Bonfires are just not practical here, unless we’d like to set the entire neighborhood on fire. It’s just too windy.

We recently bought a small outdoor fireplace, called a chiminea. We decided to utilize this as part of my son’s birthday party when he found out that his girlfriend had never roasted a marshmallow or made a s’more.

Everyone has to roast marshmallows and make s’mores before the reach adulthood. I think it’s a rule!

Since it was a chilly night we had a hot chocolate station on the patio, a giant coffee urn comes in handy. The mugs are from the dollar store. Should someone accidentally break one ::cough cough:: I wouldn’t be upset at all.

Would you like some cocoa with your marshmallows?

I made my son’s cake this year. Some years I order one, but funny enough my kids prefer the cakes that I bake. No one will ever look at a cake I decorated and ask, “Wow, did you really make that yourself?” I’m okay with that. I made the cake with love and my son knows it. And we both can laugh when someone suggests it would be perfect for the Cakewrecks website.

The low lighting is kind to the cake in this photo, hiding its many flaws. It is an eight layer carrot cake with cream cheese frosting, in the shape of a quarter of a cake. Because it is his quarter birthday celebration. And there are 4 and 1/4 candles on the top of the cake. Next year it will be half a cake, the following year three-quarters of a cake, then on his actual birthday he has a full sized cake.

And we sing our special “Happy Not-Your Birthday” song, which has had several different incarnations over the years. The most current one:

Happy Not-Your-Birthday to you.
It’s Not-Your-Birthday, it’s true.
You don’t have one this year,
So your wish won’t come true.

We only made this song up in the past few years when my son’s sense of humor matured. When he was much younger he would not have found this funny.

We rinsed the dishes and loaded the dishwasher was we went along during the party. We had very little food waste. I had several small items for the recycling bin. And our party for 13 people had close to zero garbage– mostly in the form of non-recyclable packaging, like chocolate wrappers.

This is my daughter the morning after the party with the GLAD® garbage bag filled mostly of air. I ended up just putting it into our regular kitchen garbage can and days later it still isn’t full.

My motto is the less packaging I bring into the house, the less I have to worry about throwing away or recycling. It is possible to have a party for many guests and still not produce an extraordinary amount of garbage.

Up to the challenge for your own “One Bag Party”? Besides these ideas you can learn some more tips on Facebook and share your own (there’s a celebrity who is taking notes for her own “One Bag Party”).

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This post is sponsored by GLAD®. Thank you for supporting the sponsors that allow us to make this website possible.

It is time to choose our next book for our book club (we’re running a little behind this month).  I am so excited.  Every single one of these books touches on a parenting issue near and dear to my heart.

1) Sticks and Stones: Defeating the Culture of Bullying and Rediscovering the Power of Character and Empathy

Bullying is in the news all the time.  It seems so pervasive and social media has only escalated the bullying it seems.  As a mother of a child who spent one school year being bullied while the school did little to nothing, I am interested in reading this book.  The author, Emily Bazelon, had a series of articles published in Slate that were the genesis of this book. The articles were both compelling and controversial.

2) Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting

Raise your hand if you’re a Yeller.  Keep your hand up if you wish you could stop.  This book says that if you follow the author’s simple approach you will no longer have to ”threaten, nag, plead, bribe—or even punish.”  Sign me up!

3) Kids Are Worth It! : Giving Your Child The Gift Of Inner Discipline

This book is considered a classic, having stood the test of time for almost twenty years.  The book is about teaching kids self-discipline and personal responsibility, something I think we can all agree are important.  The author, Barbara Coloroso, identifies three types of parents: the jellyfish, the brickwall, and the backbone and explains why the first two are ineffective.

So now we vote!  This month I can honestly say that I want to read all three of these books.  Usually I lean toward one, but I would be happy to have any of these on bookshelf.

Voting will be open until Friday, March 1st at 11:59pm EST. The winner is Kids Are Worth It! : Giving Your Child The Gift Of Inner Discipline. We’ll come back to discuss it on Tuesday, March 19th.

Here are the discussions for our previous picks: Far From The Tree (Feb), NurtureShock (Jan), How To Talk So Kids Will Listen (Dec), Five Love Languages of Children (Nov).