Hi Chris,

I’d love to get your opinion on this; my 14 year old daughter is a freshman in high school. This year, sadly, some of her friends that she has known since elementary have started partying – drinking and getting high as well as engaging in sexual behavior with slightly older boys etc. Yep pretty bad stuff. My daughter does not participate with this group of girls any more but they are all still friendly enough that she hears about their activities from them while they are together at school. She has told me some of it. I am horrified and feel that I would want another parent to talk to me about this if they knew my daughter was involved and suspected that I might not know. Should I approach the parents? I am acquainted in a distant but friendly way with three of the mothers but I am not close enough to them nor do I see them often enough that I could bring it up in any kind of casual way. Is it my responsibility to alert the parents? There is one mother whom I know is aware and has basically given up trying to control her daughter. I don’t know if the other parents have also just given up.

Or maybe this is really none of my business? Full disclosure, I am hoping for a this is none of your business opinion from you. Among other things I am somewhat worried about what would happen to my daughter if it got out that she told me and then I told the parents.

*****

Oh, I know exactly how you feel. I have been in similar situations, though not with actions that potentially have such dire consequences. I have also had a parent approach me and tell me about an incident when my son was acting like a wild fool at a school event. I firmly believe that it takes a village to raise our kids, but I know that not everyone is receptive: “I have experienced it many times myself, even with good friends. For all our talk about needing a village to raise our children, many people get very upset when told about what their children are doing or, heaven forbid, if their children are scolded by another adult.” (You can read the rest of that post here.)

I know you are hoping for a different answer, but I think you have an obligation to inform the parents. They could very well have no idea. Teens can be great at lying and you mention that one mother does know and has basically “given up” perhaps the other girls are telling their parents they are spending the night at her house, etc. You know how kids always want to sleepover the house of the kid with the latest curfew.  What teen doesn’t want to be where there are no rules.

I think it is possible to take your daughter out of the equation. I would definitely not tell the other parents that you got the information from your daughter, to protect her from possible ramifications from the other girls, but also because if the other parents don’t take it well you don’t want there to be additional scrutiny on your daughter. I would also pick one mother who I thought would be the most receptive to tell and then she could chose to share it with her daughter’s friends’ parents.

There are ways to soften the blow of the message, because I have to imagine that hearing your daughter is drinking, doing drugs, and having sex with older boys will be a blow to ANY parent. I don’t have a problem telling little white lies about how I heard the message, as long as the message I deliver is the truth.  For example, you can say that you overheard a group of girls talking with your daughter and your daughter doesn’t know that you are telling them because she doesn’t even know that you overheard. Or you can say another mother mentioned it to you because she knew that you were acquainted with the parents and she didn’t feel comfortable coming forward. Or you overheard random kids talking at a school event.  Do you know if the girls have Facebook accounts and maybe are posting inappropriate things? That would give you another way to broach the subject. I would lean toward the second one, just because it seems the most realistic for my life.

I would soften the blow by saying, “I don’t know for sure if these things are occurring, but as a mother I am sure you would just want a heads up so that you can check it out for yourself.” None of us likes to hear about our children’s wrong doings because it makes us feel like bad parents, like we have somehow failed, even though all of us who have parented teenagers can attest that even those from the very best homes make very bad choices at times. Maybe more of us should acknowledge that–our kids are all going to make bad choices. End of story. What you chose to do when your child makes those bad choices is what separates good parenting from bad parenting.

I couldn’t in good conscience keep quiet about it because it made me feel uncomfortable to bring it up.  The potential for something really bad to happen seems too great.

I hope you will check back in and let me know what happens. Good luck.

What do you think? Have you ever been in a situation like this one? How did you handle it?

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If you have a question, please email Chris at this specific email address: adviceforparentsoftweens[at]gmail[dot]com. Please keep your questions on the issue of raising older kids.

One morning last week we were running a little late, truthfully nothing more than out of the ordinary, we are almost always pressed for time in the morning. My youngest got out of his bath, put his monkey towel on his head, wrapped the ends of it around his body. I rubbed the hood around on his hair to dry it a bit. He ran into my bedroom, the towel flying behind him like a cape and danced naked in front of the mirror.

I grabbed his t-shirt and pulled it over his head. He held my shoulder to steady himself while I held his pants out for him. First one leg and then the other. Then he brushed my hands away, snapping and zipping his Levis by himself. I don’t recall the last time I dressed him. I don’t know when I will again.

Or if I will.

He is seven years old. He ties his own shoes now. Reads books that have chapters and no pictures. He has his own ideas about clothes, most of which revolve around wearing a pair of red converse hi-top sneakers. He calls everyone “Dude,” including me.

It is these things that slip away without notice. When is the last time you bathed your child, read them a book, carried them on your hip? Do you recall the last time they woke up during the night, or when it was your kisses stopped making the boo-boo better? When was the last time you could pull cheerios, pacifiers, or tiny errant baby socks out of your purse?

When did I stop singing twinkle twinkle little star at bedtime right before I closed the bedroom door?

Sometimes the realization of all I can no longer remember takes my breath away.

*****

For a variety of reasons my 17 year old son decided not to try out for the baseball team at school this year. I didn’t really think much about it until one afternoon when I realized I will likely never watch him play baseball again. I had watched his last game and not even known it. And even worse? I can’t remember the last game of his I watched. For so many years it was such a huge part of our lives, now it is gone, other things filling the void so that the absence is barely noticeable.

The lasts are hard for me to deal with. Mostly because when they are happening we don’t know that they are the last. We have no reason to mark the occasion as special or set it aside as being different than any other day. We are just going on like it is a regular day. It is only in retrospect, in looking back, that the event has any importance. A couple weeks ago my youngest son climbed into bed with me in the middle of the night. It made me realize that he had not woken up in the middle of the night in a very, very long time. While I am grateful for that, I do love my sleep, it was a bittersweet realization.

*****
My oldest son has only one more year left at home before he heads off to college. Already he spends a lot of his time away from the house. He has friends, a girlfriend, a job, and homework (hoo-boy I just made myself laugh) that all occupy his time and keep him busy. Our late night talks over snacks in the kitchen have become less frequent.

But last night was one of those nights, I savor them when they happen. Last night he was standing in the kitchen with his brother, fixing himself something to eat, and I was sitting at one of the stools listening to them talk about school, the two of them laughing. I grasp on to the stories they share now, like they are little treasures, probably giving them more importance than they really deserve. It strikes me how I am on the outside. I am admiring my oldest son, thinking about his beauty, strength, humor and, yes, flaws– all of it, everything that he has become and what I hope he will be as he stands on the very edge of being a man. He catches me looking at him.

“Why are you staring at me?” he asks.

“I just can’t believe it is almost over. That I only have one more year with you.”

“Uh, I am going to college, Mom. Not dying! And it is a year away. That is a long time!”

It has gone so fast. The memories go by in my mind like one of those flip books, slow at first but then gradually picking up speed.

“I know that. I am happy for you. This is such an exciting time in your life. Seventeen years is your whole life, for you it is forever. For me it seems little more than a week. Weren’t you just 7 on Wednesday?”

His brother jumps into the conversation, “You mean IF he goes to college. Don’t be missing him yet! With those grades he may living at home with you for a long time.”

We all laugh.

I listen to them toss love at each other, disguised as insults, the way siblings do.

I hope this isn’t one of those “last times”.

I will miss this.

Photo source: Thinkstock

Chris,

I hear a lot about people holding their kids, particularly boys, out of school for an extra year. My son should be going to kindergarten next year and I wonder if I should consider this? What do you think about this trend? Do you have any experience with it that you can share since your kids are older now?

Signed,

Confused Mom

I remember when I was a kid, skipping grades in school was a big deal. My mother had skipped two grades and when I was poised to go into kindergarten early and then asked to skip first grade, my mother steadfastly refused. She believed that being developmentally ready was more important. At the time I remember family and friends being outraged. How could she hold me back? She was stifling my future! Skipping grades would give me an advantage!

Oh, how the pendulum has swung. School has changed. No longer are kids skipped ahead. Now, many people are holding their kids out of school for a year in order to gain an advantage or a leg up on their peers. Not because they think their child isn’t ready, but because they think that holding them out an extra year will turn them into a leader, an athletic phenom among their peers, or automatically qualify them for gifted programs at school.

Redshirting was a term used to describe college athletes sitting out their freshman season of athletics so that they could maintain their four-year eligibility while getting in more practice and becoming stronger. It is now used to describe the act of holding children out of kindergarten, though they fall within the age for starting.

Typically it is boys who are held back. And the children that I have personally known, have autumn birthdays in states where the age cut-off is January 1st, which means the child spends the first four months of kindergarten as a 4 year old.

Contrary to what the popular media would tell you, I know no one who did it for athletic reasons. To suggest that is the primary reason parents are holding back their sons is silly. Anyone with kids who play sports knows that until high school the cut-off is based on birthday, not your grade in school. I would hope that most parents realize you are far more likely to be eligible for a scholarship based on grades than you are based on athletic ability. I read a statistic recently that said less than 1% of high school athletes will be offered scholarships based on their sport.

I will admit that I don’t quite understand the motivation of the parents who are holding their kids back a year when they would already be the oldest ones in the class. I wonder if it begins to infect communities where parents hear of one kid being held back and then worry their own child will be at a disadvantage and so hold him back, and a cycle begins. At some point you have to wonder where the line is that crosses from an advantage to disadvantage. I happen to think that it would be damaging to be the biggest and most mature, and possibly boring if the child is catching on to material that is being taught quicker that the rest of the class.

Having said all of that, I have three boys whom I “redshirted.”

I think my story is fairly typical and so I will share it.

We lived in a state where the age cut off was January 1st. My oldest son is born in mid-November. (My other sons late November and mid-December) And though academically he could have done kindergarten–he was already a proficient reader– socially he was not at all ready. He was a very immature four year old. And he would have remained a four year old for half of the school year. Kindergarten has become a very academic endeavor. In the area where we lived, it was a common practice for parents to hold back boys who had late fall birthdays.

But what happens as the years pass? I never really hear people talk about this. What about redshirting from the other side of the equation, when these boys are getting ready to graduate and move on to college. Six, eight, ten years later are the parents still happy with their decision? 

Well, thus far I have not heard a single parent complain that they should have sent their child to school earlier. Not one. I have heard a few people express regret for not holding their sons back, always for social reasons, not academic.  Not one has mentioned athletics or physical size.

I now have a 17 year old who is almost done with his junior year of high school. Had he not been redshirted, he would be heading off to college in the fall. That is crazy for me to even think about. It has only been very recently that he has stepped out of the self-centeredness that is the hallmark of teenage years. It is only in the past month or so that I have seen a real burst of maturity and had the feeling that he was able to think of other people aside from himself. My relationship with him is changing. He isn’t as intent on pulling away or rebelling, instead he asks for advice on things. He is growing to be independent.

I can now say that without a doubt, I would not feel comfortable sending him off to college in a few months. This extra year of development is critical, I believe. It is a time to loosen the reins of parenting and let him experience more freedoms, choices, and consequences before the stakes are too high. Maybe there are some kids who are ready to leave home at 17, but mine is not one of them.

Recent studies have shown that teens do not use the frontal cortex of their brain, the area that is responsible for planning and reasoning, the way that adults do. They do not think through the consequences of their actions the way that adults do. Anyone who has ever parented a teenager and asked them, “What were you thinking?” knows this to be true. They don’t know what they were thinking. Their brains are still immature and developing. They believe themselves invincible. I suppose once upon a time these were good evolutionary traits, but now, not so much.

Did I even think about this when he was four years old and I was unsure about whether or not to send him to kindergarten? No, I did not.

I am not sure that had someone brought it up to me I would have even been able to fathom what a 17 year old was like developmentally or emotionally. The only reference I had at that point was my own teenage years and, in my early twenties, I wasn’t that far removed from seventeen. I would have thought seventeen, eighteen, what’s the difference? It is only upon viewing the teenage years from the perspective of parenting that I realize how slowly they mature into adults. They physically look like adults way before their brains catch up.

So the advice I usually give to people, when they ask me, is if you think your child is ready, the school thinks your child is ready, AND they will be 18 years old before they head off to college, send them to school.

The irony of the redshirt debate is that the age cut-off for school varies widely depending on the state in which you live. Three years ago we moved to another state. What is redshirting in one state, is not in another.

My boys are no longer redshirted.

What do you think about the whole redshirt debate? Do you think people should just send their children when the cut-off is and stop obsessing? Do you think parents should be able to decide when they want their children to begin school even if it means they are two years older then their peers?

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If you have a question, please email Chris at this specific email address: adviceforparentsoftweens[at]gmail[dot]com. Please keep your questions on the issue of raising older kids.

I am very pleased to announce that Chris Jordan will now be fielding questions about raising tweens and teens. This really has come about because Chris’ inbox has been filling up with readers sending her personalized emails asking her advice and since we’re all in this together, why not share with you all, right? If you have a question, please email Chris at this specific email address: adviceforparentsoftweens[at]gmail[dot]com. Please keep your questions on the issue of raising older kids.

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Chris,

Some of my children’s friends have started dating. We have told our daughter that we don’t want her to date. We will not allow her to have a boyfriend until she is 16. She thinks that we are mean and are trying to make her life miserable. Since you have a houseful of kids, I am wondering how you deal with this. What are your thoughts on younger teens dating?

“Mean Mom”

Back when all of my children were small I always said that they could date once they were ready to get married. And I meant it. Based on my own life experiences I couldn’t see how it possibly could be a good thing. I wanted to protect them from being hurt.

As they have grown I have realized that there is no protecting children from being hurt. And that there are valuable lessons to be learned in all of our relationships, romantic and otherwise. And like so many other things that I was so certain about, I changed my mind.

Here are five reasons I let my children* date.

1) Define dating. You may be surprised by what your 13, 14, or 15 yr old considers dating. To my ancient mind, the term dating conjures up images of unsupervised alone time. My young teen boys are perfectly happy having their “girlfriend” come over to the house and have dinner with the family and then watch movies or play games in the family room with the entire family. I can’t think of a single thing wrong with this.

2) They are going to do it anyway. I know that many people think this is a horrible reason to allow your kids to do anything. Except that in this instance, I have seen time and time again parents who refuse to allow their kids to date and kids who lie, sneak around and do it anyway. Maybe you think your kids won’t lie to you, or disobey you, or sneak around and doing things behind your back, but I have been parenting long enough to know that they will. Choose the battles you know you can win. Join forces with them on the ones you can’t. Let them think that you are on their side.

3) You have more control. They can’t drive yet. They can’t go anywhere without permission. Let them have their girlfriend or boyfriend over to the house while you are home. You will get to know the kid. Get to know the other kid’s parents and what his/her home life is like. Make plans to do things with the other family. I have gone to the movies with my son’s girlfriend’s family, out to casual dinners, the amusement park. Once they can drive they will be off going places and you probably won’t know where half the time.

4) They are still willing to listen to what you have to say. The key is finding the way to say it so they will listen. One of my sons briefly had a girlfriend that was always angry at him for something. He never quite seemed to understand what he was doing wrong. To my credit, I didn’t once say, “Dump that drama queen!” The stakes at this younger age don’t seem as high. The emotional investment not as deep. It was much easier to help him realize that this girl was not really acting like a friend, which is the keypart of the word girl-friend.

A girlfriend or boyfriend should first and foremost be a friend. They should treat you the way a friend would treat you. There shouldn’t be arguing or jealousy or drama. You should have common interests and goals. This is a good age to point this out. Not just in boyfriend/girlfriend situations, but in all friendships. We may think our kids are perfect, but they are just learning to navigate this world and we need to remind them to be a kind and trustworthy friend and to expect the same.

5) It is a learning opportunity. This is the one that I feel is the most important for our children to learn. They are laying out the blueprint for the path their future relationships will take. You wouldn’t let your teenager drive without some instruction, view this as relationship instructions.

At this age they are still very much under your control, supervision and guidance. In a few years they will be in high school and you will not be privy to much of the inner workings of their social lives. This is the perfect opportunity to teach them what being in a relationship with someone means.

As an example I’ll share this story. My 7th grade son and I were in the grocery store one day when he remarked that some purple flowers were his girlfriend’s favorite color. I asked him if he thought he would like to buy them for her. (They are $5 a bunch, hardly a huge expenditure.) He looked at me like I had just suggested he dance naked in the checkout aisle.

Apparently it would be weird. I don’t presume to understand the inner-workings of a middle school aged boy’s mind, so I dropped the subject. A few days later he had oral surgery and his girlfriend came over with balloons and ice cream for him. This was the perfect opportunity to bring up how it made him feel to have someone do something spontaneously nice for him. I never mentioned the flowers, but brought up the point that we do special things for special people in our lives–family and friends.

Later that week we were grocery shopping again– I swear I live there at the grocery store– and when he saw the flowers he asked if he could buy a bouquet. I don’t know that I have seen anything recently that I more wanted to take a photo of than him standing at his girlfriend’s front door, holding the bouquet behind his back. He told me later that she was so happy and in turn it made him so happy.

Not only are you teaching them how to treat future girlfriends and eventually a spouse, but they are learning how to expect to be treated.

My son’s girlfriend’s mother called me that night and said that her daughter told her that if they ever break up he will be a tough act for any other boy to follow because he is so kind to her. I think that is the sort of thing we all hope for as parents, on both sides–to hear your child is kind or to hear that your child expect kindness.

I am curious about all the other parents of teenagers, soon-to-be-teens, survived-the-teen-years think? How have you handled the idea of dating in your home? Do you have rules? Is there an appropriate age carved in stone at your house?

*Before middle school “dating” is basically telling everyone that you are “going out” and then consistently ignoring the other person to the point that no one would ever believe you two even know each other, let alone are boyfriend and girlfriend. I pretty much ignore all references to girlfriends and boyfriends at that age and I absolutely do not encourage it. No phone calls, no texting, nothing.

Photosource: Thinkstock

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If you have a question, please email Chris at this specific email address: adviceforparentsoftweens[at]gmail[dot]com. Please keep your questions on the issue of raising older kids.

By now I think everyone has seen the video of that dad, Tommy Jordan, shooting his daughter’s laptop. It has elicited strong reactions. I have discovered that the people fall into three basic categories: those who feel what he did was completely abhorrent and abusive, those who think he’s a model parent, and finally, those who are currently parenting teenagers.

And those of us in the third category laughed when we first heard the story. Go on. Admit it. Whether you agree with the man’s actions or not, you laughed at the idea of shooting the laptop of a teenager because they posted something bad about you on their Facebook page.

The reason we laughed, and I am going to speak for other parents of teenagers here, is because we all know that parenting teenagers makes even the most sane of us act nuts. I once stood on a chair in my kitchen in the middle of an argument with my teenage son so that I could be at eye level with him while I yelled. For the record, it didn’t make him take me more seriously. Unless laughing and also standing on a chair is evidence of being taken seriously? Maybe?

So if peaceful, ordinarily calm people, can be driven to do things that might look crazy to the casual observer, what happens to the people who have their own issues with anger or impulse control before they have teenagers? Well, I guess they do things like shoot their children’s laptops with a 45.

Teenagers are by their very nature selfish creatures. Every single friend that I have with teenagers has the same complaint: they are so self-centered. It really is all about them. On the one side as a parent you can see the people that they are going to become– the smart, funny, caring people that fill you with pride and admiration. This is the side that makes you buy the teenager their car, iphone, laptop, what have you. But then there is the other side, the one that you want to punch in the mouth. And I say this as someone who is opposed to corporal punishment and has never in fact punched anyone. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to!

We, the parents of teenagers, share our stories with each other. We commiserate. We laugh. Sometimes, on those particularly trying days, we give each other high fives for simply allowing the teenager to still be alive. It is like a secret society that you are not privy to until you have a teenager of your own. Then all the veils fall away and you realize all those times you said things like: my teenager will do… my teenager will never…I will (won’t) allow my teenager to… you realize that all of those proclamations are worth nothing more than the ones you made while pregnant about the kind of toddler you were going to raise. (A sleeping, well-behaved, non-picky eater, non-tantruming version, right?)

An important thing to remember is that you can not judge what it feels like to parent teenagers based on your own recollections of what it was like to BE a teenager. You can’t. I have stood in front of my teenagers and listened to things come out of their mouths that sounded exactly like things that I remember saying at their age. But instead of feeling a warm kinship and a bond of mutual understanding, I felt horrified at the realization that I was just like them at their age and the memory that I too really thought I had all the answers and my parents had none.

In my life, more often I see parents who are the opposite of this father. They seem to be more concerned with being their children’s friend than being their children’s parent. I see children who are free to run wild and do or have whatever they want with no consequences, or have parents who bail them out time and time again. I see kids who are caught cheating or bullying at school and parents who make excuses and shift the blame onto other people. Parents who are teaching their children through their words and actions that they do not have to be accountable for their behavior.

Sometimes you have to be tough on your teenagers. Sometimes you have to step out of the way and not save them so they can learn the lesson for themselves. Sometimes you have to enforce consequences for actions, even though you really don’t want to.

So while I don’t personally applaud the act of destroying the laptop (so wasteful!), I understand why many parents are. It is as a knee jerk reaction to all the non-parenting that is going on out there.

Also, all of us who laughed are just thankful that there really is someone out there crazier than us.

Photo credit: Thinkstock

Every weekend when I prepare my list for the grocery store I encourage my kids pull out the cookbooks, thumb through them, and tell me if they see anything interesting. I know that you can search for recipes online, but flipping through an actual book is an entirely different experience. It enables you to see recipes and foods that you would never search for left to our own devices.

I am positive that my children would pull up a search on a recipe website, type in chocolate and leave it at that.

Flipping though a cook book, especially one with color photos, excites them to foods they would never have tried. And since it is their idea, they are eager to help prepare and ultimately eat the new food. This past weekend my daughter came across a recipe for Spanish rice that she thought sounded good.

When I was a kid the very first recipe I ever prepared all by myself was Spanish rice. True story. When I told my daughter this she insisted that it be added to this weeks rotation. My daughter is at the age where she wants to know everything about me from when I was her age. She wants to do the same things, see the same things, read the same books as I did. I love it. I also know that it will pass as those teenage years descend upon us. I am enjoying it while I can.

I bring them grocery shopping with me. Usually I try to do this mid-week and not on Sunday when I do my huge shop for the week. Mid-week I don’t have as many groceries to buy, mostly just the things we ran out of: milk, eggs, bread, fruit. We are able to take more time in the store and I allow them to pick out interesting fruits and vegetables, or other real foods. Sometimes we get the new food home and no one likes it at all (even me). Other times it is a huge hit. You never can tell with these things. I believe that is what the kids have discovered. Don’t judge that yam by its outside skin!

Let your kids be as involved as they can be in the process. I allow my daughter, who is closing in on nine years old, to use knives that are sharp enough to get the job done without frustration, yet not sharp enough to amputate a finger.

I allow my son to stand on a stool at the stove and stir.

He still needs to be supervised closely, but he doesn’t mind my hovering. As long as I don’t take over completely he feels like he did it.

Kids like to feel involved and important. I love the conversations that we have in the kitchen while our hands our busy. I am always amazed at how everyone with gather in the kitchen when food is being prepared. It really isn’t a cliche about the kitchen being the heart of the home.

I think having busy hands and tasks to do makes kids more open to talking about their lives. You know how all the experts say that the best place to bring up difficult subjects with your kids is when you are driving in the car? I have found the same to be true of the kitchen.

It might take ten times as long with them helping, but try to remember they are learning life skills.

Here is another tip: My daughter is cutting the tops off of jalapenos and removing the seeds. We aren’t going to use all of these for this recipe! Don’t worry. When doing prep work, try to do whatever you will need for a few days. I have found that my kids are much more likely to reach for a healthy snack if it is already prepared. So I like to have carrots already peeled, fruit already washed, celery already trimmed. There is a reason people head for fast food, because it is easy. Make the healthy choices as easy for them to choose as the bad choices.

And kids even enjoy chopping onions of you make it a game. We all like to fake cry and dramatically retell everything bad that has happened to us in the past week.

It is more about the process than it is about the end result. When we end up with something totally delicious that we want to add to our ever growing meal rotation, I consider it a bonus. A tasty, tasty bonus.

This is the recipe for Spanish rice.

The Ingredients:

3 tablespoons vegetable oil
1-1/2 cups uncooked white rice
1-1/2 onion, chopped
2 green bell peppers, chopped
3 cups chicken broth
1 28oz can diced tomatoes, DRAINED
1 seeded, sliced jalapeno pepper (or more, depending on how spicy you like food)
1 tablespoon chili powder, or to taste
1-1/2 teaspoons salt

The Directions:
Heat oil in a deep pan (that has a tight fitting cover) over medium heat. Saute rice, onion, and bell pepper until rice is browned and onions are tender.

Stir in broth and diced tomatoes. Be sure to drain them as much as possible. My rice came out a little more sticky than I normally like it and I attribute this to the extra liquid from the tomatoes.

Season with chili powder and salt.

Cover, and simmer for 30 minutes, or until rice is cooked and liquid is absorbed.
This is why it was important to make sure you chose a skillet with a tight fitting lid. Don’t you hate it when you make a recipe and get to the last steps and you realize your pan needs a lid, but the one you are using doesn’t HAVE a lid that fits? That can’t be only me that has this problem.

The verdict: The kids had a lot of fun helping to prep for this recipe. It had all of the things they love to do: use knives, chop things, stir stuff in a pan while it cooks. If only the hand mixer had been involved it would have been the perfect recipe in their eyes. This Spanish Rice dish was also simple enough and quick enough that they didn’t lose interest halfway through and wander off. I would have liked it a bit more spicy, but the kids all loved it just as it was.

How do you get kids involved in the kitchen?  What responsibilities do you give young ones?  How about older children?

Thank you to our sponsor Hidden Valley® Ranch for letting us write about getting kids involved in the kitchen.

As parents we often talk about the difficult stages of child rearing as if we are headed into battle. We strap on our metaphorical armor, brace ourselves with all the knowledge and (questionable) wisdom from other parents, and then most often we discover that the battles we are prepared to fight are not the ones in which we end up fighting, after all.

Personally, I didn’t think the Terrible Twos lived up to the hype. But three? Whoa, that one blindsided me. More than once. Because the battles leave you with amnesia.  You can’t remember what your your previous child did two years ago.

But I am not sure that there is any stage that parents fear more than the teen years. I think that it is in part because we can all still clearly remember our own poor choices and cringe at some of the things that we did. Since I am in the thick of the teen years right now I can tell you, yes, it lives up to its hype. Yes, it does. Luckily the bad things are punctuated by good things, which serve as a reminder of why you didn’t sell them to the circus when you had the chance. Because I am here to tell you, even the circus doesn’t want to buy mouthy teens.

I will admit that this fact ran through my head this morning when I was driving  in the car with my 17 year old son.  I said, “For crying out loud! I have kept you alive for 17 years. Don’t blow it now and make me regret it!”

But don’t fear, it turns out parenting teens is a lot like parenting toddlers, and you’ve already done that. (Successfully, probably.)  But, let me show you the similarities:

1: Most of what you do seems to center around protecting them from themselves.

2: Half of what they say is completely incoherent.

3: You wonder ALL THE DAMN TIME just what is going on inside their heads.

4: They won’t be able to tell you.

5: You will have their hearing tested, completely certain in your belief that they are deaf or have suffered a devastating hearing loss from listening to their music so loud. Why do you think this? Because you will say something to them and then they will go and do the very thing that you just told them not to do.

6: You will spend nights lying awake, worrying. (The only difference is that when they are toddlers you probably know exactly where they are at that moment you are worrying.)

7: You will be concerned about their eating habits. (Don’t worry, all those times when you thought as toddlers they weren’t eating enough, they make up for that during the teen years. Only now you’ll be concerned with the junk food.)

8: They go through more changes of clothing per day than you thought was possible.

9: They scatter their stuff everywhere in the house.

10: They don’t know how to pick up after themselves and can never find that one thing that they must absolutely have right at that moment.

11: They want to do everything themselves, except for when they want you to do it.

12: They have crazy sleep habits that make no sense.

13: They do not understand the concept of going to bed early.

14: They have tantrums that are at times so irrational you will laugh.

15: They don’t want to hold your hand to cross the street or in the case of the teenagers walk within 20 feet of you.

16: If you think something sounds like fun, they won’t.

17: They dress themselves in outfits you think look like they were put together by a crazy drunk. (Only with teenagers you sometimes hope they aren’t really a crazy drunk.)

18: They will never want to be friends with the kids who have parents you actually like.

The one plus to having teenagers is that you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. You have glimpses of all the hard work coming to fruition. You are able to see the adults they will become. You have the knowledge that it is finally going to end. Well, unless you still have younger kids at home, then you only have the knowledge that it does eventually end. Something I am not so sure I believed when I had a two year old and wondered how much the circus would pay.

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I. Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s life.
Remember that old adage, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence? Well it is true. Their life might look easier, they may have nicer stuff in their garage, their children may seem better behaved, their career more fulfilling or exciting… but never forget they are looking back over the fence and thinking the same thing about your grass.

II.Thou shall not believe every self-proclaimed expert on parenting.
Trust your own instincts. If someone’s advice doesn’t resonate with you, ignore it. You are the best expert on your own children.

III. Thou shall force thy children to do chores and other things which make them momentarily unhappy.
Always remember being a parent isn’t about being your child’s friend, it is about raising happy, healthy, successful human beings. And happy, healthy, successful human beings need to know how to do laundry, load the dishwasher, and brush their teeth.

IV. Thou shall not shake thy children, even the teenage ones.
Contrary to popular belief you can not shake some sense into them. Oh, you will want to. Restrain yourself. Count to 100. And then pour yourself a stiff drink.

V. Thou shall make thy words sweet, because you will have to eat them many, many times.
The best way to make sure that your child will do some horrible thing or exhibit some awful behavior is to utter the words, “My child will never…”

VI. Thou shall forgive.
Everyone makes mistakes, it’s how we all learn to be better people. So offer forgiveness freely and without strings to your children, your spouse, your friends, but most of all forgive yourself for your shortcomings. If motherhood has done nothing else for me, it has taught me about all my own character flaws and made me much more tolerant of them in other people.

VII. Thou shall put no false gods before your family.
Don’t believe that material objects will make you happier, they won’t. Don’t fall into the trap of saying we will be happy when we have x, y, or z. The happiest families are those that spend time together and enjoy each other.

VIII. Thou shall not judge other mothers, neither shall you use other mothers as a yardstick by which you judge yourself.
We all struggle with different areas of motherhood. There is no such thing as a perfect mother. Remember when you were a teenager and your mother told you not to compare your inside to someone elses outside? Well, that still holds true. We all have different strengths. We all have our weaknesses. We will all lose our tempers in the grocery store check-out line at least once.

IX. Thou shall say No and not feel guilty.
Say no to commitments that don’t enrich your life. Say no to people who drag you down. Say no to your children, even when they whine and cry. Especially when they whine and cry.

X. Thou shall take care of thyself.
So many mothers get lost the first few years of parenthood. They stop taking care of themselves. They put the desires and needs of everyone else before their own. Taking care of yourself is being selfish. Just like a chain is only as strong as its weakest link, a family unit is only as happy as the unhappiest member.

XI. Thou shall maintain a sense of humor.
Especially when it comes to yourself. Laugh. Laugh often and with enthusiasm. There will be days when it is a fine line between laughter and tears, choose laughter.

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I don’t usually make resolutions.  Mostly because I think that they don’t work; if people wanted to change their habits they would just do it, not wait until a specific day of the year.  However, 2011 was a tough year for me on many levels. I want to box it up and put it away and never think about it again.  It was a year where I lost my joy.  I spent most of the year going through the motions, doing what needed to be done, but not really doing any of it well.  This year I am determined to get it back and make my family happier in the process.

1: Choose kindness, even when it isn’t the easiest option.  I think I am pretty good at this one, at least where my children are concerned, and I am thankful that my children are generally nice to each other.  Choosing kindness has always been our family motto and I want it to stay at the forefront of our daily lives.  So this resolution isn’t so much something that I want to change in our lives as much as it is to acknowledge that this is important to us as a family.

2: Cut our grocery bill.  If I told you how much money I spend every month on food it would make you cry.  In fact, it makes me cry! I could have a second house. Aside from my mortgage, it is the highest expenditure I have every month.  I think this is one of those areas where I can cut back by being more creative with our meals.  I’m not willing to give up fresh vegetables and fruit, but I think planning ahead for the days when I know I’m not going to be home or we are busy with activities will make a big difference. At least I hope so.

3: Say yes more often. Have more fun.  I want to be a fun mom, I really do, but often I feel bogged down by the daily stuff. I say, “Later,” much more than I would like.  I want to make an effort to say, “Yes, we can bake cookies.”  “Yes, we can go to the park.”  “Yes, we can go for a bike ride.”  “Yes, I will play that game with you.”

4: Chores!  My kids won’t like this one, but I need to be better about assigning chores and then making them do some.  This would free up more time for me to say, “Yes!” to all the fun things that they want to do.  The beginning of the year is the perfect time to start some new habits because the children have been out of school for two weeks and and we can restart the second semester with a brand new routine.  I’d like to say that I can let housework slide, but I know I can’t do that.  A cluttered, disorganized house drives me crazy. That brings me to….

5: Get rid of the triggers that stress me and that in turn make me impatient with my kids.  We all have them.  For me, if my house is messy or I over commit myself to things I really don’t want to do, but do anyway, then I am on edge.

6: Save money for the things we really want to do as a family.  How often do I end up spending bits of money here and there on things the kids want or “need” when we would all be much happier if we spent the money on something else.  This will require me to budget my money better.  And not to feel guilty about saying no.  Apparently I need to learn to say no to material things and yes, to spending more time together.

7: Read more. Surf the Internet less.  I have found the more time I spend on the Internet the more discontent I feel.  The Internet can leave me with the feeling that everyone has better, prettier, richer, more fulfilling lives than I can ever hope to have.  I start to feel like I am missing the crafty gene.  The past few months I haven’t been reading very much at all for pleasure. (Let’s ignore all the books I read along with my high school students so I could have discussions with them.)  The stack of books next to my bed has dust on it.  During the Christmas season we read outloud as a family every night.  I want to continue this throughout the year.  I think we can all take 20 minutes a night out of our schedules, yes, even those who have homework, to do this together.

8: Hang out with my children and their friends more.  I volunteered to chaperon a middle school field trip a few weeks ago and I was dreading it.  But you know what?  It was fun.  I had a good time getting to know the teachers and the other kids.  A little preemptive ibuprofen for all the yelling on the bus and I would do it again.

9: Set time aside for us to just spend time together as a family.  Just us, no friends, no texting, no music loudly pumping into headphones silencing the rest of the family.  For now I will make sure that everyone i s home so we can have Sunday night dinner together.

What about you, have you made any resolutions for your family for this upcoming year?  What goals are you setting? And tell me what are you doing right that you want to continue doing in the new year?

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If your child was misbehaving and you were not around would you want another parent to say something to your child? Would you want them to call you and let you know about it afterward? Would you want them to do both? Or would it make you angry that someone was overstepping their boundary by disciplining your perfect child? Just to clarify, I am not talking about anything dangerous or criminal, just “normal” misbehaving.

Last week I was talking to the mother of one of my preteen son’s friends. She and I are friendly, I like her, but I wouldn’t call her a good friend. Then she said, “I’m not sure if I should say anything. I know it really isn’t my place, but…” She went on to tell me about one of my sons and how he and a couple of his friends were acting up during a school function where I wasn’t in attendance. Nothing horrible, mostly rambunctious, but definitely not a way she would have wanted her son to be acting and definitely not the way I would have allowed my son to act if I were there.

I asked her why she would have hesitated to tell me. But I already knew the answer. I have experienced it many times myself, even with good friends. For all our talk about needing a village to raise our children, many people get very upset when told about what their children are doing or, heaven forbid, if their children are scolded by another adult.

I remember as a kid adults scolding me or my friends if we were misbehaving, usually saying something along the lines of “I doubt your mother would want you behaving that way!” I also remember a few times when they went directly to my parents, which was even worse. It was an unwritten rule that any adult could scold you for misbehavior, even a stranger. Now I have noticed that the attitude of many parents now is don’t dare discipline my child. Don’t tell me anything negative about my child. And if my child did do something wrong, there is a justifiable reason.

Recently the kids and their friends were bickering outside. It had been a long day of playing. It was hot outside. And then in the midst of it, one child punched my child in the face. I sent all the kids home, telling them I thought everyone needed to go home and get a snack and have a little break from each other. Then I called this child’s parents to tell them what transpired. And they said, “Well, your child must have provoked my child. My kid would never punch someone in the face for no reason.” Odd, because in my world, there never really is a reason to resort to physical violence. I assured them that I was dealing with my child’s part in the bickering that led to the punch, but I thought they would want to know about their child’s part.

All sorts of negative behaviors are excused away. It isn’t their child. It is the other kids. Except, you know what, I’ll let you in on a little secret, all kids act like jerks sometimes. Yes, even yours. All kids misbehave. All kids decide to do something stupid on impulse. People need to stop taking it as other parents interfering or judging their parenting and take it more as someone else watching out for your child. What is so bad about that? When my neighbor came to the door and told me he just yelled at my son and his friend for sitting on their skateboards and rolling right into the street with no regard for the cars driving on the road, I thanked him. It didn’t even occur to me to view it as an indictment on my parenting.

I have done it many times. I have had negative repercussions from doing so, but I don’t regret it. I never yell and usually I work in the “if your mother were here…” as if I am just standing in for the absent parent who would surely be handling it the same way. I have teenagers and frequently I have other teenagers in my home. They are generally polite and have good manners, but sometimes they may be in the other room talking loudly, using language of which I don’t approve. In that case I’d walk into the room and make a joke about offending my ears and gently remind them of the little kids in the house. And I would hope that if my kids were at someone else’s house other parents would do the same.

As I got off the phone with my son’s friend’s mother, I thanked her for telling me and assured her that not only did I want to know, that she should feel free to call my child out for misbehaving should she see it again. She told me that she hoped I would do the same. We can’t always be everywhere to supervise our kids, especially as they grow older and gain more independence. I appreciate the other eyes.

I want a village. These are the people I want in my village. People who think it is a moral obligation to look out for each other’s kids.

What do you think? If you see a child misbehaving would you step up and say something to them? Do you think it isn’t your place? Or are you held back by what the other kid’s parents will think of you?

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