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Sep14

The post that will make thirteen-year-old boys everywhere snicker.

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Guess who’s not writing about Britney? That would be me! I think the topic’s been covered extensively enough, wouldn’t you? I bet Christopher Hitchens has a book coming out on her VMA appearance. Wait for it. Instead, let’s talk about other people’s lady parts. Namely, yours. That’s right, women, I’m looking at you. If you’re […]

Sep07

Enough with the Crocs. Do you hear me? Enough!

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Maybe it’s end-of-summer fatigue, but I’ve had it with the sight of kids in Crocs. I was tired long ago of them on adults, but now my disgust has spilled over to the children. First of all, when they get encrusted with filth, as all children’s footwear do—especially by the end of summer—Crocs look especially […]

Aug31

In defense of Lauren Caitlin Upton.

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Oh, Lauren, Lauren, Lauren. I’m sorry, Lauren. The Internet can be so cruel. In case you haven’t seen this clip (And if you haven’t–really? You haven’t?) , during the Miss Teen USA pageant, Miss Teen South Carolina Lauren Caitlin Upton was asked the following question: “Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can’t locate […]

Aug23

IM IN UR GUVMINT/ MESSIN UP UR KEDZ INSHURINZ.

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Way back in 1997, the Clinton administration approved a program called State Children’s Health Insurance Program, or SCHIP. SCHIP is a partnership between federal and state governments that provides health insurance to children whose families make too much for Medicaid but too little for private insurance. The program was created to address the increasing numbers […]

Aug17

Want to see Alice’s weekly to-do list? Yes, you do.

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Take up whittling. Now that millions and millions more toys have been recalled, I think it’s safe to say that all of our toys are made of poison. The only thing left to do is chop the maple out back and get to whittlin’. Henry sure is going to love his new solid-wood Darth Vader! […]

Aug10

Baby Einstein no make smart? Uh oh.

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This week, researchers at the University of Washington and Seattle Children’s Hospital Research Institute sensed that parents were starting to feel good about themselves again. Luckily they’re putting a stop to that, with the announcement that Baby Einstein HAS RUINED CHILDREN EVERYWHERE. Okay, not that. Actually, they published a study that showed that Baby Einstein […]

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